There is no such thing as a monogamous, long lasting, loving marriages or even regular dating relationships, at least from what I've been witnessing. Just for a small example, almost every boyfriend that I have had has possessed wandering eyes and/or other wandering body parts.. I can't begin to count the times that I've heard versions of, "Well, if I can't get it when I want it.. I'll go elsewhere."
No, this isn't a lamenting entry about personal dating misfortunes. What really got this topic milling around in my head was something that I was told yesterday by a family friend, "Alice". Her and her husband have been married for decades. Apparently he's found yet another young 'admirer', THIRTY-FIVE YEARS his junior! When Alice found out about the younger woman, he told her that she's upset over nothing because nothing physical has or will happen, they're just friends. However, anyone can acknowledge the fact that there are more than one type of cheating... and, this isn't the first time that this situation has arisen in their marriage.
This seems to be more like an emotional affair... she calls him at least four times a day, he drives her where ever she needs to go, he omits his meeting with her when talking to Alice. He also talks about more personal issues with her than he does with his own family. I shake my head when I think about it, because I can't believe how many people actually practice this behavior and don't seem to realize what they are risking, and what great people they may end up losing. They don't seem to even think about how this will affect those closest to them. In this particular case, Alice might finally throw in the towel, because she knows that she deserves so much more than what she is being given.
What seems to complicate the whole idea of cheating and 'having an affair, is that every single person has a varying idea of it's definition. And that some people are absolutely against the idea in any shape or form, while other people agree to have open relationships so that they can bang other people and there's no issue. That's an extreme that I can't begin to understand. Why be in a relationship when its completely open? What's the point of the marriage or the relationship? There's a guy at my work that is in that istuation, and seem to bounce around a group of specific women that we both work with.... and all the women that he hangs around with totally don't care!
There's the situation that occurs when two people who are dating, or married to one another, and they have conflicting idea about cheating, it's definition and what it encompasses. That offender may swear that it's not cheating, but to that other person, it is blatantly so. How does one attempt to rebuild the trust that they feel deep in their heart was broken when the other doesn't see the problem?
Sometimes, the trust that was shattered from cheating can be repaired quickly. In other cases, it could take a while longer, even a decade or more. I have experience that speaks for that latter. I had a boyfriend that cheated on me when I was in tenth grade. It's taken over ten years, but I'm now finally getting to the point where I can talk to him and it doesn't bother me as much, and I don't have anger and feelings of betrayal boiling over at him. Maybe that sounds crazy to you, dear reader, but I guess I have a much more stricter version of 'cheating's' definition and its' hard for me to trust people as it is. When you throw in questionable behavior performed by a boyfriend or close friend, and it makes it near impossible for me to immediately trust again, no matter how hard I try to forgive and move on.
I've really digressed on this topic, but it's really struck a chord with me. My second mom and her husband divorced after fifteen years, my mom and her fiance' split after ten years and my father and stepmother after twenty, just to name a few of the relationships that I've seen disintegrate in my life, that were prime examples of 'Til Life Do Us Part'.
I really would love your input on this...
What are your opinions on the subject, dear reader?
What does cheating encompass?
Do you think this behavior should be forgiven?
What should be done when one person in a relationship does something that offends the other and they don't see the problem?
And now, with the new electronic means of communication that are readily available... do you think 'sexting' with someone that is not the person you are dating is wrong? Do you think dirty talk or flirting is wrong, or do you think it's acceptable?
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2 comments:
I think the people you're exposed to are just shadier than average.
I propose that each partner should define what will constitutes cheating for the other. This should be documented along with consequences and signed by both. Since both parties have the option to walk away prior to any commitment, the definition and punishment may be limited only by the imagination. That way, if (s)he breaks your defined version of "cheating" you can exact your defined version of "punishment."
"cheating", by definition, is the breaking of the rules. And each game has different rules. Likewise, each relationship has it's own "rules", thus the definition of "cheating" DOES vary. The important thing is to figure out what the "rules" are when developing the relationship.
There is no universal definition, because relationships are made up of people (kind of like soylent green), and each person is different.
Of course, since relationships consist of more than one person, it is quite likely that the two (or more) people have some differences in what they consider to be "legal". And it is important to communicate with your partner beforehand and come to some sort of compromise.
as far as your question: "Why be in a relationship when its completely open?"
To some, that is like asking "why own/rent a home when you're going to occasionally sleep elsewhere?"
Even though you may go elsewhere on occasion, it's still nice to have a place to call home. Of course, that philosophy certainly doesn't work for everyone. But if it DOES work for the people in the relationship, then IMO, more power to them!
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