Changing our image..

...one pound at a time.

That's what I hope to do in my family. Over the years, my family has slowly tacked on the pounds, like most Americans. Lots of greasy, fatty foods and no exercise.

I've been telling my brother that he was getting closer and closer to being obese, and a few weeks ago I ran his stats through a calculator online which told him that he was, yes, obese. Then, last week, he had a doctor's appointment and guess what?

That's right, the doctor told him the same thing, that he was now in the obese category and he needed to lose quite a bit of weight to be healthy again and avoid further medical problems.

My mother is overweight as well, but she's been talking about wanting to lose weight for a long time. So, last weekend we made a exercise room upstairs for everyone to use. (Now, although noise annoys me and that particular room is right above mine, I just remind myself that it's for their own good.) We gathered all the exercise elements that everyone had into one room for us all to use. We have a treadmill in there, a weight machine, a exercise bike, a pilates ball and an huge exercise ball, plus all of the DVDS and VHS' that we had. We'll be adding more, little by little, when we have the money. There's a really good AB machine that I want. It's one that has back support while I use it, which is really appealing because I have a really bad back.

On the food side of things, I am the primary grocery buyer in the house, and I realized that I wasn't helping matters at all with the food choices that I brought home. So, yesterday, I started myself a pretty cookbook, (with colored pages and pretty font,) of stuff that contains no chocolate and lots of healthy food. Chocolate is one of our biggest downfalls.

Starting on Tuesday, when I get groceries next, no more unhealthy foods are entering into our kitchen. And I will be cleaning out the unhealthy stuff tomorrow.

I just realized that I hadn't mentioned my weight or health yet, in my writings. (This computer is freezing up in the middle of every paragraph, kind of disrupts my train of thought with every opportunity. (Knock on wood...three thousand times!)

I started the year at a little less than 100 pounds. I know, I know, but I've been trying to GAIN weight for years, and it just wouldn't come. I had customers every week actually ask me if I was anorexic. Can you believe that?? I've always been below weight, no matter how much I ate and of what.

But, guess what? I am now at 116. Woot! Four more pounds to my goal, and then I will be happy. There is two downsides to that accomplishment, however. One, there's a good chance that if I don't start actually exercising, the weight gain won't stop. Two, the last month or two I've been finding clothes here and there that won't fit anymore.

So, last night, I went through every article of clothing in my closet and tried it all on. I ended up with two totes of stuff for the Salvation Army. I don't mind getting rid of stuff that I wasn't wearing to help those who don't have as much as I do, but almost ALL of my favorite stuff went into that pile. My black goth halter from Hot Topic, (I couldn't even get the thing zipped half way. The last time I wore it, I had to have help to get into it.), my favorite ripped blue jeans, and my slinky "vampiric" skirt that my ex bought me from an expensive store in the mall. I also had to get rid of all my short skirts except one. The "school girl" skirt I had, I couldn't even get past my hips, let alone zip it and wear in public. On second thought, that one's okay, because my ex loved that one and he just seemed to have an alarmingly increasing liking of young characteristics. And it wasn't designed for that sort of thing, it was decent.

So, enough mourning over the clothes I cannot wear anymore, I still have plenty to wear, and now the salvation army will have some more things to hand out. That's always the best part, knowing I am helping others. That's a total of TEN totes from my closet in the last month or so. That's crazy the amount of clothing that I had.

So, dear readers, enough about me, (I'm sure this is a book by now!). What are your thoughts on healthy eating? Do you have any favorite recipes or favorite food websites you would like to share?

Also, do you have any suggestions how to keep us all motivated to lose the weight and get healthy?

Isn't it great?

A WHOLE glorious weekend off, where I don't have to change out of my PJ's or step out of the house. *knock on wood! Three times at least..)

That is all. I have nothing really new to share, just wanted to mention my happiness of not having to leave the house.

Woot!

Sleeping rather soon...

It is Christmas Eve...scratch that...it is now Christmas Day. I am going to crash quite soon, but I thought I would do some writing first.

*If one more pop-ad comes up while I am typing.. I think I will scream..*

Lately, it seems like days are dragging by and speeding by at the same exact time. Have you ever had that sensation, dear reader? Time is just rushing by way too quickly for my taste..but while I am going through my day, it seems to drag by.. odd, and VERY hard to describe~

Tonight, at 6:00, the dungeon was officially closed for the only day out of the year that it does so. WOOT! My schedule for the next week totally rocks, I must say. I have tomorrow off, (of course,) work Friday.. and then I have the weekend off. I work Monday-Wednesday, and then have Thursday off. Rock on!

I am so sleepy.. I should crash into my four poster comfy bed behind me very soon.

I did hear from Josh a few days ago, FINALLY! I've been trying to call him and text him for a few weeks.. and I finally got a few (rather disturbing) texts from him. But, at least I know he's alive and able to respond if I bug him enough. I really hope I get to see him on his visit home. We have had our reunion evening planned out for months!! (For you readers that don't know.. Josh is my best friend of over 18 years, and he has served several years in Iraq. He's an awesome guy, and keeps my faith in the opposite sex sometimes lol.

I am getting sleepier with every keystroke, so I think I will sign off for the night..

Peace.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night!

What a long, long day it has been.. I hope to get in a nice, relaxing shower.. and perhaps blog about something.. but I don't know yet..

I do want to wish all of my lovely readers a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! May you get all that you want, and lots of pretty, shiny things (if you are a woman like me! :P)

Again..

I must vent my frustrations out about my computer.

I apologize.

But.. my computer might be an untimely end by being attacked by a manicure tool. Or by sudden impact on the icy interstate just a few houses from where I now sit, fighting with the stupid thing to do the simplest tasks such as checking my e-mail, blogging, or checking on MaryKay orders..

*Insert frustrated, going insane scream here*

There. Isn't this the part where I am supposed to feel a bit better?

It didn't work.

Any other ideas, dear reader? What would be some creative ways to take out my frustrations out against this computer, which is clearly the spawn of evil?

Happy X-mas!

One of the times of the year is upon us in the blogosphere when many bloggers come to together to write about the same thing: the holiday season.

This is my contribution to this year's Christmas 'vault'. I think the message within the song is still relevant to today's situation, and we should reflect on what we as individuals, and as a nation want to accomplish in the new year starting now. I mean, how are we supposed to be happy with how things are if we don't know what it is we want exactly, let alone getting it?



Happy X-Mas, my dear readers!

Rock It!

I absolutely MUST share with you my newest music addiction, dear readers!

In recent months, I have become a 'Drake & Josh' television addict. I absolutely LOVE that show, it has moved it's way to the top two of my favorite shows. (Only topped by M*A*S*H, of course. Actually..more like they are tied for the number one spot,but...anywhoodle.)

Yes, Yes.. I am fully aware that I am watching a Nickelodeon show, rated Y7, and I am 24 years old. But have you ever SEEN that show?? It's more hilarious than many, many of the adult sitcoms that I've seen. The humor is great, and it isn't filled with countless adult references, violence and all that stuff that laces things meant for adults to enjoy. It's refreshing. So there. I challenge you to catch an episode, (or twelve.)

Onward.

Drake Bell is on that show, and he does a lot of singing/song writing/guitar playing on the show. And he's good.

And he is my newest music addiction. If I was a pre-teen girl, and the show had just come out, I admit I would have the biggest crush on him and I'm pretty sure my walls be plastered with posters and pictures from TeenBop magazine.(Do they still even make that thing??) Alas, my era was Hanson and Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears and Christina Aquilira. (People's debuts that today's teens would not even remember!)But no, I have a perfectly nice, innocent adult liking of his music.

Check it out. I included a link to a few of his songs on playlist.com for your listening pleasure. My favorite Drake Bell song thus far is track 5, Golden Days... let me know what you think!

Random Letters

Dear Ex-boyfriend,
I just wanted to take this opportunity to tell you a few brief things. First of all, thank you for showing me your true colors. Second, no matter how you said you wanted to give me everything, I must say that money is NOT everything and neither are material goods. I didn't get what I ultimately wanted, which was you. Which brings me to the final point: Unfortunately, love does NOT conquer all.

Sincerely,
A hurt but head-strong ex

Dear Josh,(best friend of 18 years),
Thank you for showing me time and time again what a true friend is all about. I don't know what I would have done without you growing up, and I don't know what I would do without you in my life now. You are the best! (Now, call me or else! I am worried since I haven't heard from you in two weeks!)

Love,
Your biggest fan

Dear STUPID doorbell commercials,
I don't know if you know this, but your commercials make my household edgy every time you play them. With every holiday commercial that starts with a loud DING DONG, my little doggy goes berserk and runs around in frantic circles. It takes the next five minutes to calm her down, after I stop what I am doing and let her look out the window to re-assure her yet again that there is no one there. I am sure you got a laugh out of designing those stupid thirty seconds of havoc wrecking good cheer, but I haven't yet. AND I have yet to find out what you are attempting to sell, so I don't know who to blame for the travesty!

Love,
A very aggravated non-consumer

Dear High School Art Teacher,
I am sure you don't remember me, but I wanted to thank you for believing in me and my artistic abilities during the four years that I tried to take and re-take every art class that you taught. And for spending countless hours during study hall and after school helping me get my projects 'just right'. You helped me foster my love of art ever since.
Love,
A fond student that you probably don't remember

Dear entire male species,
I must say, although I believe in gender equality and all that jazz, you can keep certain areas of life. Say for instance, snow shoveling. I am more than happy to continue being the cocoa girl than pushing around that yucky, freezing cold snow any day. Or anything having to do with dirt for that matter, (unless it's a garden). And on the other hand, I will gladly cook something for you if you are tired or need pampering.
Shiverly,
A freezing female counterpart

It's all about the Twitter..

I took a short break from cleaning/organizing and checked my mail/blog. And ended up at twitter.com. For those readers who don't know anything about it, it's a site you can keep a real-time status going about what you are doing or thinking. I am going to give a shot, and invite all my readers to come find me there. To make your search short and sweet, I included my link below:

http://twitter.com/kirkwood_chic

...Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming and my cleaning/purging of unneeded items!!

Six things..

It's two o'clock in the morning, and I should have been asleep HOURS ago.. instead, I find myself motivated to blog. That hasn't happened much lately, however, I got 'tagged' by Cyndi for a blog topic titled, 'Six things that make me happy'.

So, here we go..in no particular order!

1.) Music

2.) Family

3.) My puppy

4.) Curling up under a warm blanket with a hot cocoa on a cold winter's night in front of the fireplace

5.) Helping others

6.) Shopping


And there you have it. Six things that make me happy. Notice the lack of technology on the list..my stupid computer is being a pain in the butt, and it took me over an hour to write this very short entry due to the fact it's all slow and goofed up.. I am now signing off before I throw it out the window or teach it a lesson with a hammer!!

Good night all..

My dear readers, you were right...*mobile blog*

Yes, I admit it.

My loyal readers were absolutely on the ball, and I didn't fully believe you.

About what you ask? Well, a few entries ago, I had the urge to call Jeff, but didn't know if he'd want to talk to me. I didn't call, but i did text and..nothing.

Ah, well, his loss don't you think?

Is Yours Fulfilling?

Everywhere you look, people seem to have vastly different ideas what it means to have a 'rich' and 'fulfilled' life. From large houses and SUV's to having the latest gadgets. For many decades now, American's, (at least,) have been running the impossible race of keeping up with the Jones'.

And for what? Do large houses and fancy TV recorders really make you happier than if you didn't have those things? If they do, than more power to you. But if not, what are you really living for?

Or dying for? I've been thinking about that poor man in New York that got trampled at a Wal*Mart on Black Friday last week. He lost his life so that people could be the first to grab the best deals on cheap plastic crap.

Seriously. What are we doing to ourselves as a nation? We wonder why children are increasingly screaming, 'Gimme Gimme Gimme! I want THAT!' and then having temper tantrums when the parents tell them no. Many people have the same exact mind processes, and the children are just mimicking what they see and hear.

I think a happy and full life does not have to be a materialistic one. I don't care about having oodles of money and tons of electronic gizmo's cluttering my house. I don't need fancy bling and a shiny car.

I want the basics. Love and happiness. Peace and Harmony. I want someone that will hold me through good times and bad, and tell me that it's all going to be alright. I want a happy marriage and a little rugrat or two someday. I want my MaryKay business to be successful and help others feel better about themselves. I want my family to be healthy and happy, and my friends to have the lives that they want.

I am beginning to get on the right track to get these things. I am slowly disentangling myself from the retail dungeon that I have been slaving for the past six years, and becoming my own boss~slowly and tentatively, but it's going to happen.

As I think about these things, I can see that as much as Jeff still means to me, it's amazing that we lasted as long as we did. Money and the wanting of more and more on his part is what was at the root of the problems he had~even if he didn't/doesn't realize it. He kept telling me that he wanted to make me happy and give me all that I wanted. However, he failed to ask me or believe me when I told him what I thought about money and what made me happy in regards to it.

The truth is: I could care less about money, as long as I have enough to survive, I am happy.

What about you, dear readers?

What would make you happiest in life?

What do you like best about your life?

What do you want to change or are changing about things?

Saved by the proverbial bell

I almost called him this morning.

Yes, Jeff's number is still in my phone. I got as far as opening my contact list window, and before I could go any further, I was interrupted by traffic pulling out in front of me~saved by a Ford pickup instead of the proverbial bell?

I know he said he wasn't going to talk to me again if I didn't answer his ultimatum in the time limit that I didn't meet. But I wanted to hear his voice.

Not a good idea I know, believe me.

I wonder if he has had the same urge to call me that he has suppressed?

Technology is Annoying Sometimes, I Swear! *mobile blog*

I think my computer files are screwed. I went to turn on my computer this morning, and it started just fine and dandy. However, after it booted up, all my desktop files were invisible, my start bar was gone,(not hiding,) and I had a hard time getting my browser open. GRRR.. So, I think I may have to quick restore it tonight-or whatever they call it today. And all of my music, photos, and documents will be gone. Anyone have any ideas for me, so I might be able to keep all of the stuff i have on there?

R.I.P. John

It says it all. I've been a John Lennon/Beatles fan ever since I was a toddler, and wanted to make my own (rather small) tribute to the legendary man, as I do every year.

Twenty-eight years later, and he still has legions of fans around the world. Amazing.

I am so tired..*mobile blog*

..of my OCD. And I only have what? Seventy, eighty years left to deal with it? Sometimes I think I am crazy, but I think we all do at one time or another.

I always have to check things that potentially conduct heat, at least three times....(as one example, there are many more things I must do three times before I can leave the house with any peace of mind. And it seems to be getting worse as time goes on.)

Class is starting now.. must go.

Does anyone else have anything else AT ALL like this, that they experience?

Deadbeat Fathers

Every time I see my father, I am reminded of this blog entry that I wrote awhile back. And, although it's a year and half old, it still applies to everything I feel towards my father today.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

First written:

Saturday, March 31, 2007

I just rewatched an episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Aire that hits very close to home. Before you groan about the show, which I love, this is a very serious episode that makes me actually start to cry, especially with the ending scene. Before going any further, here's the episode recap:

Originally aired: Monday May 9, 1994 on NBC

Will's natural father shows up out of the blue. While Will is thrilled Phillip and Viv are suspicious. Spending a few fun days with his father, Will can't see him for what he really is and begins to believe in him again. After having a few fun times with Will his father has to hit the road again and promises h e will be back for Will to go with him. When he leaves without Will, Will realizes that his uncle Phil is the real man in his life.

The script from the final scene that I found thankfully on Google that really makes it hit home because it is EXACTLY how I feel and describes my relationship with my own absent father, down the the number of years he was completely out of contact:

Will: Hey, you no what, you ain't got to do nothing, uncle Phil. You know, ain't like I'm still five years old, you know? Ain't like I'm be sitting every night asking my mom "when's daddy coming home," you know? Who needs 'em? Hey, he wasn't there to teach me how to shoot my first basket, but I learned it, didn't I? And I got pretty damn g ood at it too, didn't I, uncle Phil?
Phil: Yeah, you did.
Will: Got to do my first date without 'em, right? I learned how to ride, I learned how to shave, I learned how to fight without 'em. I had fourteen great birthdays without him; he never even sent me a damn card. THE HELL WITH HIM!! (pause) I didn't need 'em then I won't need 'em now.
Phil: Will,...
Will: No, you know what, uncle Phil? I'm get through college without him, I'm get a great job without him, I'm marry me a beautiful honey and I'm having a whole bunch of kids. I'm be a better father than he ever was. And I sure as hell don't need him for that, 'cause it ain't a DAMN THING HE CAN EVER TEACH ME ABOUT HOW LOVE MY KIDS! (long pause) How come he don't want me, man?


My father was, and is, a complete loser for me. I managed to have him off and on the first few years of my life, when he dropped off the planet it seemed. Fourteen years later, and two or three secretly mailed letters from myself to him during middle school, I got a letter from him saying 'time flies huh ? I always MEANT TO call or write, but didn't have the chance.' Turns out that the same time I lost my father's attention and love, he remarried and two other little girls got the love from my father that was MINE. His wife (now ex) found my letters hidden in his drawer while doing some spur of the moment spring cleaning and told him he needed to contact me. That was six years ago, and our relationship has been sporadic at best. Last time I talked to him, I thought I would call him to tell him I was in a minor accident, and he didn't even ask if I was okay. All he said was 'well you learned a lesson didn't you'?

Yeah, I learned a lesson alright. I don't have my father's love, never have, and never will. My mom's ex fiancee was more of a father to me then my own ever was. My childhood best friend's father was more of a father to me, and my neighbor's father was.

But why am I denied my own father's love???

A moment of wonderful closure..

..what could be more appropriate for me, then to obtain closure on my past relationship through music?

It comes in the shape of Taylor Swift's, "Picture to Burn" song/video. I am actually fighting a losing battle of exhaustion as I type this, but I thought it was an important breakthrough for me to announce that the latest romantic chapter of my life has officially ended, and I have made a pact with myself not to think about those 2.5 years with him or him in general any more and to move on to new people and/or new experiences.

To celebrate, dear readers, here it is. The one, the only, Taylor Swift and her music video for "Picture to Burn". I love this song, (and singing along with it when no one is around!)

I'm back...I think..

..but don't hold me to it.

I know, I know, it's been AGES since I have blogged last. I've been thinking about it, but I never quite get as far as opening my blogging window and writing something.

Two weeks since Jeff gave his ultimatum and I failed it (in his eyes.) But..I figure, self centered as it may be, that it is his loss. Don't get me wrong..I miss him and love him.. but I have to look out for my own wants and desires since, apparently, no one else will.

Josh is back in the states! That is cause for excitement. For you readers who don't know, Josh is my best friend of 18 years and was on his fifth tour of Iraq. He is 'home' for probably another month or so. I haven't gotten to see him yet, he hasn't made it to Iowa. He went back home to his family who now live in Illinois for a few days, then had to go back to North Carolina for the rest of the checkout process. And then he's coming to Iowa to see me. Woohoo!! We already have the plans all set, he's going to stay at a motel in Cedar Rapids, and getting me a room as well. We are going to go out to eat, and then sit up ALL night, (until we can't stay awake,) talking. (Yes, just talking.. we are best friends, not dating. We are not interested in dating, we don't want to wreck the friendship we have.)

Let's see, what else is there...? On the school front, I got my term paper back in Psychology. I got a rockin' 95/100, an A! Not bad for writing it from start to finish in three days! That was ten pages, citations and the whole works.

I can't wait for school to be done so that I can concentrate more fully on my MaryKay business. I can totally rock that, I know! I have two people interested in hosting classes, just have to wait until my sales director is back in town next week. (If any of my local readers know of anyone that wants to try the products, or just host a class, please email me at seana.pierce@marykay.com. Those who host a class will receive a free gift!)

I have most of the Christmas decorations up here already. My inside tree and my outside tree, my lawn decorations, my pretty inside decorations and my Christmas town. I'm so busy, that I want to set them up early so I can actually enjoy them.

Speaking of enjoying things, I best go take my shower and go enjoy my family's company for the day. It's rare (usually) to have us in the same room, doing the same thing, so I want to grab as much of that time as possible!

Happy Thanksgiving all!

It's done with (again)

It's over, again. The off-on-off relationship I had with Jeff.

The first two years..was perfect, wonderful.

The first half of the third year..was okay. Long distance and hard, but we made it work..

The second half of the third year? That's when things went sour. Long distance doesn't work. He wanted me to move to Nebraska and into his mother's basement.

Without my family, friends, pets, etc. in another state. Uprooting myself for his mistakes. (Sound familiar to those readers who know about psycho preacher wanna-be?)

No. He refused to contemplate the same proposal that he gave me (just reversal of roles of who moved into the other's house. (and my name is ON this one..)

So, dear reader, you know all about the above from my blogs, (and more so if you are my best friends by the name of Joshua and Kimmy.)

Now, for the bitter update. ('Cause I need it out to continue forward.)

Last month he came into town to visit, which was blogged about. It was nice. More than nice, it was wonderful.

Then, he went back home. And started asking me about us, and what was my decision on us. There was no formal, "Let's try this again", or "Let's give us a shot again.". It was implied, yes.

Then, it boiled down to this past week.

He gave me an ultimatum about my decision about our relationship (though, I don't know why.. we're broken up and we know the long distance thing doesn't work).

He said I had to give him an answer by midnight last Tuesday night, and I wasn't done thinking about things, and quite honestly not sure why I had too. So, I sent him this shortly before midnight:

"1.) I can't believe you were actually serious about that stupid ultimatum. I think it's ridiculous to give anyone a time limit on something that big.. 2.)and I won't have an answer by the sound of your buzzer, so I guess the last thing I will say is that I love you." ('Cause I do, I love him deeply.)

I then signed off and went to bed, because I didn't really want to get into it ON MESSENGER and in the middle of the night.

What I received in an offline message on Wednesday morning was this: "Congratulations for once again showing me that you won't make any effort or concession for this relationship no matter how small. Have a nice fuckin' life without me."

So, I think I am done with the male species. I got to thinking about my relationship history, and I have only been the 'dumpee' once, and I've dated 8 separate guys. What does that say to you, dear reader, about my girl-friend attributes and dating participation?

I think it means that I suck at dating and being with someone. And not in a good way.

My Life Wishlist..

First, and foremost..


Go Barack! Rock ON!


Okay.. now back to what I was going to say..

Today I had a meeting with my Sales Director for MaryKay and she asked me a few times in the meeting (in different ways) what I wanted from myself and my life. Yes, I have been asked this before..many millions of times..but today I started to really think about it. And I am tired of suppressing what I desire, want, and need without at least discussing it first with those that matter to me and in the goals that I want to establish for my life.

I want this:



Yes, I want a wedding. Not only a beautiful wedding..but a happy marriage. A wedding lasts only one day (or week if you have a honeymoon). But a happy marriage can last a lifetime.

I was engaged once. Almost married a total and complete loser. He wouldn't even let me chose the colors for our wedding. I wanted red and white and silver accents. He said red was NOT a wedding color, and besides it's a whore color. (Excuse me???) And then he said how about yellow, the RIBBON is on sale.. (true story!) And my wedding dress? I had to buy it from a second hand consignment shop, because he said, 'why spend a lot on a dress you'll only wear once?'. Admittedly, it was pretty with puffed sleeves and a princess skirt and lots of shiny beads...but A SECOND HAND wedding dress??? As a matter of fact, here it was, so you can get a visual:



I'll probably blog more about that particular loony individual sometime in the future, enough about him for the moment!

ANYWHO...

Which brings me to this, I want:



No, not a pretty picture of a heart. I want love. Unconditional, all-consuming LOVE. Is that too hard to ask for?



So, so far I've covered that I want a pretty wedding, a happy marriage, and love... Might all seem the same, but really three different things...

I desire to have at least one child. I don't want to be so old that I can't enjoy them and do everything that I want with them. I know other's children annoy me, but I still want to experience motherhood and raising a little munchkin of my own.

I am currently driving a 2000 Ford Focus, and I hope desperately to have it paid off by the end of winter and be driving something else..maybe like this:



My car is running on it's last legs (wheels?) and won't last much longer, I am afraid.

So, dear reader, I included lots of pretty pictures for you to look at tonight..tell me..what is it that YOU want out of life?

A thing for the ladies..

"I`m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe

I am very much considering making this particular quote my signature from now on. It is what it is, and what you may make of it.

I'm tired of having to conform what others want and demand from me. I am who I am, and if you can't handle every aspect of me, then you need to admit it and either open up your expectations or drop them altogether.

I cannot be the only one in the world that feels like this. Am I?

What a nasty business it is..

I know there is one major topic buzzing in America right now, with less than one month left until it's conclusion. I usually try to write about everything and anything that I think of, and that I have an opinion about. This one I have remained mumm about, however.

It's a nasty word, and a nasty business.

Politics.

Dear reader, unless hell freezes over, or pigs start flying with red capes, you won't find another entry concerning it in my blogs besides this brief one.

Barack Vs. McCain.

McCain Vs. Barack.

Round and round it goes, I am sure you have experienced this lately: In your work's break room, at school, at home. With friends, family, or neighbors.. if you prefer one and someone else prefers another, it turns into an offensive craziness rather soon into the debate.

Calm, rational discussion evades most minds rather quickly with the subject of the election or politics in general. People are set on who they will vote for, and will throw statement after statement at you, not giving you much time to think and formulate rapid-fire responses.

This is where I have an issue. I could (could, not will) tell you who I will vote for on November 4th, but in real-time conversation, I cannot remember facts, dates, and reasons why exactly. My mind is not built for that sort of thing, and additionally, I am the worst debater in history. I freeze up.

Don't get me wrong. I know the EXACT reasons I am voting for who I am voting for, when I am reading articles and interviews concerning the candidates and can run my brain through my mental files of facts. But pit me against someone else, and those facts and statistics just fly out of my head.

Just a warning, dear reader, if you are reading this and get the bright idea to ask me who I am voting for, don't be surprised if the topic of conversation changes to something else, say perhaps, my love of the RevoStyler brush, or the annoyances of the Ford brand, or pigs flying with red capes.

Re-fried Brains..

I haven't blogged for a bit of time.. but not much new to blog about really.

I am in the middle of writing a major term paper for my psychology class, that's the biggest thing going on for me right now.. My brain is fried from all the writing I've been doing on that, and I cannot seem to form more than one or two coherent sentences here at the moment.

Here's your chance, dear reader..what's going on with you?

Happy Halloween!!!

What does it tell you when I couldn't even get in the mood for my favorite holiday of the year?

Anyway, I tried finding a good link to my favorite music video of all-time, Michael Jackson's Thriller. I watch that every year on Halloween, and have since I was two years old! (seriously! That's a long tradition to have, don't you think?)

I have it on VHS, but that doesn't help my readers out to watch it with me, does it?

So, instead, I have included Michael Jackson's 'Ghost' video. Lots of great costumes, and a great plot as well. Not to mention awesome dance moves!

Enjoy! (and Happy Halloween! Bahahahahahaha!)

So...yeah... the theme song of my life

LyricsHanson - �strong enough to break lyrics

What a weekend!

My constant readers should know by now that music is essential to me, and I use it to illustrate a specific point or describe something that is going on with me, whether it is mentally, emotionally or else wise.

Tonight is no different. (I apologize if you were hoping for a change, save those hopes for election day, and just roll with me here! :P)

I think this past weekend could be summed up with a particular song, and that would be Toby Keith's 'You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This'.

(I tried finding a link for the music video on You Tube, but all of them were disabled.. grrr)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyway, yes. It was a weekend I will be thinking about for quite awhile to come.

My Friday was like every other Friday I have. I worked, came home, took a long, hot, relaxing, candlelight shower. I curled up in bed, exhausted shortly before nine and fell asleep. I woke up to a knock at my door. It was someone I hadn't seen in FAR to long.

Jeff was standing at my doorstep. I was half-asleep, so I didn't give him all the kisses that he deserved, but I sure tried. It was so good to see him again.

(Good lord, let me tell you. It's freaking distracting to see Kimmy's steamy messages about her beau popping up on the corner of my screen while I am trying to type this! But, at least she's fulfilled.. I know she's going to kill me for this interruption of my own blog!!! Love ya hun!!)

ANYWAY.

He didn't stay for long on Friday night, I had to get up super-duper early, and work from 7-4. I was going to go over to see him and K & M after I came home, took a shower, and got ready.. but after I got off from work I ended up taking my brother to the emergency room, and we didn't get out of there until about 6:30 or so. Then, I rushed home, hopped in and out of the shower.. and went over there.

We went downstairs and had some rather..heated..discussion about what we were going to go eat and do for the evening, and then headed out to Burger King. I haven't ate out in FOREVER it seems, I had a whopper, fries, Diet Coke, and a YUMMY piece of pie. Jeff had already eaten with K&M, so he just got a soda.

Then we headed back and watched V for Vendetta, and curled up tight. It was a wonderful evening, even with it's late start.

I had to work 10-7 on Sunday, blech.. checked most of the time. I hate checking, and I hate the fact that they are yanking me up there every freakin' chance that they get. (But I try to remind myself that it's a piece of cake compared to what Joshua and the other troops have to face each and every day overseas.)

I also try to remind myself that I am working to get myself out of there, and permanently. Speaking of which, I ordered my business cards for my MaryKay business, did I mention that before? I can't wait for them to arrive. I had another meeting with Lynn last night, and we went over a few aspects of running the business part of things, and I feel really good and excited about it!

Speaking of feeling good, after work on Sunday, I got to see Jeff again. I ate dinner over there, and then we decided to go see Quarantine. We had been wanting to see that, and the last showing was at ten o'clock, so we made it in time.

(I'll write another entry about THAT particular movie.. it was...horrific.....)

We fit in a lot more intimacy after we arrived back there, and watched Constantine. THAT was a good movie, I hadn't seen it before.

And we kissed.

And cuddled.

And kissed some more.

That's ALL the details about that particular aspect of the weekend that you are getting, dear reader. The rest are for us to know, and you...well, not to know.

Anyway.

He had to go back on Monday, and I threatened to kidnap him and keep him in the trunk of my car.. for some reason, he didn't think that was feasible. I don't understand, why? I would've fed him, and made air holes for him, and everything! Jeez..some people, I tell you!!

He is a wonderful, sweet, loving and caring man.. and proved that once again before he left town on Monday. I wasn't expecting to see him before he went back. Hoping, yes..expecting, no.

But, I was working in the back with my bins and stuff, when JoAnn came back and told me I had a visitor. It was Jeff coming to tell me good-bye before he left. (I snuck in a kiss before he left.. ooohhh!)

Low budget sometimes DOES equal goodness!

I was going to catch up my lovely readers with the wonderful, but rather way too short weekend I had...but just as I was sitting down to write this breathtaking and mesmerizing blog, I was sent a link.

For a video.

A freakin' forty-five minute video.

Now, I am free with the knowledge that I do NOT have the attention span to sit ANYWHERE for the length of a half-hour sitcom show, (with commercials,) let alone anything longer. But since it was Jeff that asked..(told).. me too.. I undertook the task at hand, and made myself sit, staring at the oddly 3-D (but really 2-D) monitor of my p.o.s. computer, for the entirety of the time.

And I did.

And I liked it.

And I even had a lollipop :) (Come on, we are all adults here, but who doesn't like to suck (A LOLLIPOP!!) every once in awhile?) I forgot how much I like them. Which reminds me, dear reader.. don't forget to tell me to tell you (say that three times fast!) about the weirdo guy that was staring at me from the third floor window of the old Cyber-Cafe while I was studying.

Weirdo.

Anywhoo.

Before I got so rudely interrupted by myself, I was trying to get around to telling you what the video was that distracted me from my wonderfully dull blog and my wonderfully interesting readers.

It's called Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. Have you heard about this thing?

Neither had I. Apparently it was made during the writer's strike, and made very low-budget. The main character is actually Neil Patrick Harris, who was Doogie Howser, M.D. (Remember that old show??)

My review? Not too shabby. Much better than some of the high-tech, high cost films that we now have to pay 17.00 dollars for a pair of tickets to see.

That reminds me, dear reader. Remind me to tell you about 'Quarantine'. I'd give it a pass if you were at ALL squeamish at Horror movies, and even if you love movies such as ''The Devil's Rejects'' and 'Halloween'.

The link? Oh yeah, you must have that! Don't forget a bag of pop-corn and a tall drink! Let me know what you think of it, if you actually watch it all the way through! (Even if you don't, leave something to read anyway!)

Bouncing all around the place...

Quite a week, it has been.

Long, but boring for the most part. However, the fun is just starting.. I hope.

*ponders* Where to start, where to start?


Yes, I know the beginning is always a great place to start.. but my mind jumps around anyway, so why not start somewhere..say in the middle?

Not that there is much to tell anyway, but the middle is an awesome place to start.... (ummm...lost track of my thought there.. thanks Kimmy for your IM window distracting me! Tsk Tsk!)

Last Thursday, I had a Mary-Kay facial care consultation with a lady that also works at the Dungeon with me. I ended up splurging on some nice makeup for myself, and a lip care kit. Then.. I had an idea plague my thoughts all weekend. What if I started selling Mary-Kay myself? I could build up my own business like I've always wanted, and eventually have a way to support myself without having to work at the dungeon.

I thought about it, and thought about it. (For those that I've told about this new endeavor and who weren't too thrilled nor happy sounding for me, move on a few paragraphs so I don't hear your groaning!! It's a chance for me to do something that I really like and too help people buy what makes them look and feel better. So...shush!)

Resuming....And on Tuesday, I submitted my contract and placed my order for my initial Mary-Kay Sales Kit. How freakin' exciting is that??

Lynn, my sponsor, told me it should arrive by the middle of next week.. won't she be surprised when I email her and tell her it's HERE already?? WOOHOO!!! My business cards/kit should be arriving in the next week or two.

So, that's good news :)

(The interstate is REALLY loud tonight.. jeepers! It sounds like they are moving the road to go right through my bedroom or something..)

Onto other good news: Jeff is arriving in town tomorrow evening for a weekend visit with Kirk and Marsha. I'll get to see him a few times, so that's good news..I think.

Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to see him. And kiss him. (Because, that is inevitable, to be honest with you, dear reader.)

I know where that will leave me on Tuesday. Lost even more than I am now. But still totally worth it, in my opinion.

So, he will be here from tomorrow night to either Monday or Tuesday.

Yes. I am still madly in love with him, just in case you were wondering..

Anywho.

I must admit, I was a bit of a bad girl on Tuesday..not in that way! I played hooky from classes. I know, I know.. shame on me. But I needed a day to myself. Besides, my psychology class was canceled, and we were just going to work independently in my accounting class anyway, so I didn't need to be there. I could study accounting here in the comfort of my home, and not have to change out of my pajamas! (Which I didn't.)

Are you still awake and reading this, dear reader? I really wouldn't blame you if you lost interest tonight.. not when I did the same exact thing a few times in writing! Leave me some love, and then class is done for the day :)

Sound bits of advice?

Thanks to HallMark, we have access to greeting cards for every occasion...whether it is breaking up or making up, new births or saddening death, or just because.

There is also sayings for everything you could ever possibly want a saying for. From Bible quotation for you religious folk, to adult comedy and every thing that falls in between.

There's the ever popular, "The best way to get over one guy is too get under another."

Is it just me, or is soooo many females saying that now-a-days? I was involved in a break-up with my boyfriend last summer, and I was told this this nugget of wisdom countless times. Is that really the norm for women today?

Don't worry, I dismissed the idea. Perhaps it was contemplated...a few times.. but I ended up dismissing it on grounds of morals and all that good-girl stuff.

Another saying that I have had bouncing around my head for awhile is, "Never make a man a priority when he considers you an option."

I'm trying to decide if it applies to me in any way or not. Why else would it keep bouncing around like a mad person in a rubber room if it didn't? (**echoes of Larry the Cable Guy, "Lord I apologize for that one right there..."**)

What do you think, Dear Reader? Is either one of these quotes a sound bit of advice?

All You Need Is Love in a Revolution..

Yes, I could be considered a music hippie out of my time, but I have always loved The Beatles. John Lennon, of course, being my favorite.

I can remember the first time I ever heard them. I was four or five, and my best friend Amber had one of those plastic children's record players. Her parents had bought her a record with 'Yellow Submarine', and they played it one evening when I was staying over.

That night a music love was born. I have listened to their music on a regular basis and snag up records whenever I can, (and any other memorabilia pertaining to them that I can afford. Unfortunately, that's not much.)

I will forever be a Beatles fan. The video at the top of this entry is an original performance of The Beatles, 'Revolution'. I didn't realize just how many takes of the same performance there are. The first one I found was the best, but the embedding was disabled, so after another fifteen minutes of searching I bring you this copy.

One of my all-time favorite Beatles songs....Enjoy!

(As a closing thought, I have included another Beatles video, for those who don't like the tones and thoughts of 'Revolution'.) This performance is 'All You Need Is Love', and if people actually thought about the sentiments in this song, perhaps it would be all that we needed.

Long and Mindnumbing..

I know, I know.. it's been a few days since I've blogged anything 'real-life'. Don't hurt me! Wait.. um.. do..no.. NEVER MIND! That's a whole another topic!

*steers the conversation in a 180*

It's definately been a long, mind numbing week. Where to start, where to start?

Let's see. After I wrote my blog entry, 'History of Relationships'
, I thought I would see what Myron was up to. That was, if I could find him on myspace. Because, amazingly enough, not everyone has myspace. (I know, utter craziness, right?)

I did find his profile, and sent a friend request. I waited a week, and then figured that he didn't want to talk or never used his myspace page. (In my mind, probably the former.) But, lo and behold, (ooooohhh, I've always liked that phrase and finally got to use it!), a few days ago I got the update that he accepted my friend request and so I sent him a quick message. We've been talking off and on, catching up. So, that's pretty cool. He lives in Doha Qatar. We may talk back and forth for awhile, which I don't think I would mind in the slightest. He might come back to the states this holiday season...

And onto other news.. Jeff is coming into town next weekend! I have no idea how this is going to go, and how things will turn out. He's staying with Kirk and Marsha, and we will see each other while he is here. I think that is good news, don't you?

Last night I had a Mary-Kay 'class' with a co-worker, and it may just be the push I need. I just wrote a quick blog about it here: A possible career change


This entry is no particular time order, I must confess. But it may make for interesting reading that way? (Or so I could hope.)

Tuesday night, I think it was, Jimmy and I hung out for a few hours and watched TV. We caught most of the 2nd Crow movie.. City of Something-of-other.. I LOVED it. I want the set of movies. I've never seen them before, but that will change as soon as I buy them.

Also, this week, I was acting department manager, because JoAnn was on vacation. I didn't get any mods done though, and the price changes were late when I finally got to them this morning, but I did what I could, being just myself and Karen.

Hm. I think that is all there is for this week.

OOOOOHHHH yeah, one more thing. (If you aren't asleep yet, from reading this, dear reader?). Let me give you a tip of the day. Washing machines and cell phones do NOT mix. Wednesday night, I was soooo tired. I figured that I would stay up and start my last load of laundry so it would all be done together. Two hours later, I looked around and asked myself... "Now where is my cell phone?" Then, it dawned on me.. and a string of expletives followed me to the laundry room, where I opened the washer and immediately saw my cell phone in the bottom of the drum. Good news is that I have cell phone insurance, so a new phone is on it's way. Bad news is that they didn't have any more of my model in red :(. But, I am getting a Sony model instead, which sounds better than a Samsung. So.. the lesson to learn is Don't wash your cell phone, it doesn't like water. (Just in case you might've forgotten that small fact...)

A possible career change..

I've been in retail for over six years now, and I love helping people find what they want and performing my basic departmental manager duties. However, working for a large retail chain has began to drive me batty. I've been wishing for my own business, but know I don't have the money to start out a full new business right away.

I would love to branch out and do my own thing, selling things and helping people feel better about themselves.

Anyway, here's the deal: I was approached by a co-worker of mine about becoming a Mary-Kay Sales representative..I've been thinking about that particular thing for awhile anyway, and what I would love is your input on it. All I need is 125 dollars for the sales kit, and I can stock up on inventory as I go. (I can make back that much in what I'll be saving on their products.)

Do you think that I should step out and begin selling their products, with the goal of making that my career after I make enough regularly every month to tell my current job where they can go?

What is wrong with me?

I haven't felt well/good at all the last few days (more than usual). I even left work two hours into my shift. (ME. I NEVER call in sick or leave early. It's that darn work ethic, getting in the way, I guess.)

Music doesn't even energize me or motivate me right now. Usually, to get going in the morning, all I have to manage to do is start my morning play list,(I yack about it here,) and I'm off.

Not this morning. I played it, and during all four songs, all I managed to do was get dressed. And just basic dressing of clothes, not my jewelry.

I thought I would try a different song that always gets me moving along, but no avail. I just sat here. (Carrie Underwood's 'Before He Cheats' if you are interested, dear reader.)

What the heck is the matter with me lately?? Even when I am sick, music gets me moving at least a little bit. I was going to try to be at work in four minutes, but that's not going to happen. Maybe I'll make it by nine thirty, I'll write to you more later, dear reader..

Countdown Challenge

I have to thank Shauna, one of my favorite bloggers for this particular idea. Here is my personal countdowns, and items in each category are in NO particular order...

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People Right Now:

10. I never really wanted to date you, it was your brother. Dating you was the BIGGEST mistake of my life, you psycho freak.
9. I don't know if I could ever forgive you completely for not being there when I was growing up, and giving two other girls the daddy that I should have had.
8. Thank you for being there for me while we were younger. You were and are the best friend that I could ever ask for!
7. You talk way too DAMN MUCH!
6. I wish I could be as hot as you, and you have two gorgeous angels to boot!
5. Come to me, Come to me, Come to me!!!!!!!!!!
4. I want to kiss you. Badly. Right now. (Even though I can't, and I know that.)
3. Get up off your ass and do what you should be doing, you need to learn how to do things like a responsible adult!
2. Thank you for being there for me when my father abandoned us. I wouldn't be who I am today, without you.
1. Take this job and shove it!

Nine Things About Myself:
9. I HATE mornings, and can never get up on time. I hit my alarm for more than a hour every morning..
8. Driving anywhere terrifies me.
7. I have OCD. Never been diagnosed professionally, but I have to check everything three times before I can leave the house. Crazy, perhaps? Necessary, yes.
6. I love music. I can't live without it playing. I breathe it, it's a part of me. Music is my passion.
5. I can't sing worth a darn. However, if I could, I would quit my job, and sing professionally. I can memorize almost any song three times through it.
4. I can't look at a single animal without going, 'Awwww...' and wanting to take it home. I wish I could take in every stray that I hear about.
3. I love a clean house, but I hate cleaning.
2. The thought of fire taking over my house paralyzes me.
1. I have a really nice bumm..


Eight Ways To Win My Heart:
8. Play with my hair.
7. Think of me in small ways that really matter. (Like bringing me a flower, or calling me when I am not feeling well.)
6. Make me laugh.
5. Sing to me. Especially if you have a sexy voice.
4. Dance with me out of the blue.
3. Don't lie, cheat or steal. If you do, don't tell me.
2. Be romantic.
1. Did I mention, play with my hair?


Seven Things That Cross My Mind A Lot:
7. Did I leave the stove on?
6. What about my flat-iron, is that on?
5. Do I have to go to work again TODAY?
4. Why won't these balances equal out?!?!? *staring at my accounting spreadsheets*
3. Welcome to Wal-Mart, get your shit and get out! (Courtesy of Jeff Dunham and Walter!)
2. I cannot wait for Josh to be back home!!
1. Does fate always have to be so mean with love?


Six Things I Do Before I Fall Asleep:
6. Play Tetris
5. Take a long shower
4. Check my email
3. Drink a hot tea/cocoa
2. Surf the net
1. play with my puppy

Five People Who Mean A Lot:
5. My family (That's more than five :P)
4. Josh
3. Jeff
2. Kimmy
1. Cloudy (my puppy, but she counts anyway!)


Four Things I'm Wearing:
4. Black leather Jacket
3. Cream Color sweater
2. Blue Jeans
1. Red bra/panties

Three Songs I Listen To Often or 3 Bands/Artists:
3. Kid Rock, (Too Hot, All Summer Long, Cowboy..)
2. Trace Adkins, (Honkytonkbadonkadonk, Ladies Love Country Boys, Game On)
1. Toby Keith, (Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue, Should've Been A Cowboy)

Two Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
2. Have children and have the opportunity to raise them.
1. Travel.

One Confession:
1. This wasn't near as hard as I thought it would be!


Again, thank you Shauna!! This was very enlightening, and I got to get a few things out of my head as a bonus! If any of my dear readers do this particular challenge, please leave me the link so I can check it out!

Strong Enough To Break

"Strong Enough To Break"

I don't feel myself today
Just a figure in a big monopoly game
Struggle is the price you pay
You get just enough just to give it away
I'm sinking but I'm floating away
Throw me a line so I can anchor my pain
The fabric is about to fray
The fabric is about to fray

Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately
Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately
Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately

Things keep coming and I keep wondering
I start feeling the walls close in
Things keep coming and I keep stumbling
I start feeling I'm strong enough to break
Oh, I start feeling I'm strong enough to break

Been running through my mind today
Scenarios to add to your hypocrisy
No one ever takes the blame
But everyone is searching for a cure to the pain
Nothing ever seems to change
Oh, nothing ever seems to change
We just play like broken records in a deaf man's charade

Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately
Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately
Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately

Things keep coming and I keep wondering
I start feeling the walls close in
Things keep coming and I keep stumbling
I start feeling I'm strong enough to break
Oh, I start feeling I'm strong enough to break

Carry on just a pawn and the same old song
I'm still holding on

The fabric is about to fray

Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately
Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately

Things keep coming and I keep wondering
I start feeling the walls close in
Things keep coming and I keep stumbling
I start feeling I'm strong enough
Things keep coming and I keep wondering
I start feeling the walls close in
Things keep coming and I keep stumbling
I start feeling I'm strong enough to break
Oh, I start feeling I'm strong enough to break

((Sorry, about the audio quality.. but it's the best I could find. No, they don't lisp like that, relax and lay off the Hanson comments, okay? I'm really not in the mood, just a fair warning dear reader.))

This song really reflects how I feel right now. I just thought I would pass it along to you, it's really a good song. One of my favorites actually by them.



_--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--_


The video comment kindly left by my reader-Lady_Moonlight. The audio is MUCH better here.... enjoy!

Invisible quicksand, raising ever so slightly...

I miss him. I mean more than just friends missing friends.

I can't have him. I know this, and it's quite clear that nothing has changed.

But that doesn't lead to a change in my feelings. I want him, need him, can't have him.

But, damn it, I want him and to be his forever..

That doesn't help me decide in the slightest where to go from here. It seems as if I can't go forward, yet I can't go back.

I feel like I am stuck in a invisible quicksand..not exactly drowning, at least not yet, but unable to change my position.

I'm at a loss of words to describe how I am, emotionally and over-all. (I know, right? Dear reader, I bet you are thinking, 'Wow.. it must be serious. A loss of words from the blogger who writes books? AMAZING.'

But I am. I don't have any clue where to begin sorting things out and expressing myself. And that's not good. How do I expect myself to be heard to those who need to hear, and make possible changes if I can't articulate myself to them?

(What a fancy word, articulate. It's one of my favorites, I think. What a nerd I am..)

Dear reader, do you have any ideas how I might make my way around the roadblock in my mind?

Also..do you have any words you especially like? (CLEAN! Not dirty! Be nice here.. but tell me what you like best in the English (or non-English) English..Definitions would be great as well, if it's a lesser known word..we could all stand to learn a new thing once and awhile, I think!)


Oh.. I feel so lost...

Inadvertently Anti-Social..

I can't do it.

I just can't. Everyone around me, however, seems to find it easy as pie.

But not me.

I mean, I grew up as a half-time small town Midwestern Girl. I SHOULD be able to do it. Everyone in the small town of Oxford, IA can do it and do it every time they step foot out of their front door. I go to visit my second mom, and people are waving at me and smiling, saying hi and trying to start conversation. (People I don't recognize or remember in the slightest, remember me and want to catch up..)

I mean, I try every day, EVERY DAY, to make eye contact and smile at people around me.

I fail at (almost) every attempt to smile and say hi to complete strangers, or people that I haven't talked to very often. I mean, I'm thinking 99% failure here...It's apparently not in my programming.

You know how hard that makes my job in public retail? The customers smile and me, and expect small talk to come pouring out of my mouth. Not so easy, sorry.

It's not that I don't try. I mean, most of the time I see someone walking my direction and think, 'Smile at them, say hi...something! Quit being so anti-social!!' . Then the person walks by, I look the other way and failure. I can't get myself to do it.

Why????

(It's always been this way, just been getting worse lately. When I was growing up, it took me a few months to get used to my classmates, another month or two to actually start talking to them, and then another month or two to start sitting with them in the lunch room and in class. Think about it.. that's most of the school year gone in that time. Summer would come around before you knew it, and then I would have to start all over again with most of my classmates the next year...)

Do you know anyone like this? Are you like this?

Do you have any clues to this annoying phenomen, dear reader? Do you have any suggestions for me?

Help!!!!!

Love Me If You Can

I'm sure you've realized it by now, actually I'm sure you've realized two things by now. One, that I relate to music and use it to help me relate to you, dear reader; and two, that I like Toby Keith and country music in general.

This particular Toby Keith song really shows another side of him, and excluding the religion references, I think that it reflects how I want other people to view me. Does that make sense, dear reader?

Many people I know may not like(or understand why I do,) what I do, or what propels my thinking.. but all I want is for others to accept me for who I am, and possibly love me for who I am.

That's all that I ask. All that I can offer as a person/friend/daughter/sister/significant other is all that I am.. nothing more, nothing less.


Is that enough for you?

History of relationships..

I've been thinking a bit lately about different conversations I've had in the past with friends and the different relationships I've had. Well, by 'a bit', I really mean A LOT. For some reason, my brain keeps replaying and reviewing different conversational tidbits, and dissecting the various relations I've had with those I've dated.

For instance, I had this friend named Adam, who really started out as solely my brother's friend. He told EVERYONE that he met (when I was around), that he had known me since I was knee high to a grasshopper *laugh*. He is the same age as my brother, who is an astonishingly eight years, one month, and twelve hours older than I.

This is the same guy that told me I had a 'barbie doll' kind of body, when I was 17-18.. I STILL don't see how he saw that. Yeah, if Barbie lost all of her boobs, and was marketed as a Midwestern Plain Jane.. maybe then..perhaps with a head sized paper bag sold separate? However, I don't think that would make much money..

I have been thinking also about the various guys I have dated. I've always been attracted to bad boys, but they are no good for me! Let's see.. there have been the following:

Myron.. *whoops* I'm ashamed to say, but almost forgot about him!! I only remembered when I was proofreading this! He was the first 'date' I ever had. We went to my ninth grade homecoming together, and dated for about a month. He was the first guy I ever kissed. We kept a 'notebook' back and forth, together during that time.. makes me laugh to think about it now.
He ended up with one of my closest friends at the time, Liz. He went into the service after he graduated, they ended up married and they stayed together for quite some time. Unfortunately, that didn't work out, and they divorced. I haven't really talked to either one of them in years, I got the situation recap from him when I saw him at my work about four or five years ago. He was a sweet guy.

Gabe...he was way older than me, my first actual 'boyfriend'. Never did anything physical together, and we were broken up/together about half/half the time. At one point, we went on a 'break', and he proceeded to stay that weekend with a girl he knew from high school..because I wouldn't do anything with him. He knocked her up, and that was the end of us.

Mike...I think he was the baddest boy of them all. He transferred to my school a few weeks into tenth grade. I met him around the time Gabe and I started dating.. THAT lasted a full week, until he realized he wasn't getting anywhere with me, and dumped me for a friend of mine..I see him every once and awhile while I am working, but we don't talk anymore. It's a shame really.. he was a cool guy. Did drugs, drank, and caused trouble, but he was cool. Teachers HATED him.. but I wonder why?

Jeremiah and I dated my junior year of high school, for about nine or ten months. We were pretty serious, I had his class ring on a necklace around my neck, remember how big of a deal that was to us in high school??

We were together ALL the time during the week when I wasn't in school and he wasn't at work. He went out every weekend though, dancing, decked out in cowboy ware..and had several 'escapade's', including one with a friend of mine. He dumped me for her, and they are married to this day with two little kids. So, at least it worked out for him, I'm happy for them.

After that, I didn't date anyone for a few years, until the spring/summer after I graduated high school. I was seventeen at the time, and I ended up dating this guy named Josh, who idolized Eminem. I met him through my best friend at the time, and we hung out with a group of friends at the mall every weekend. He was sweet and thoughtful.. but had many, many issues.. He ended up breaking up with me cryptically on the phone one day. Turns out he got another girl pregnant. (I pieced that together later, from reports from his mom and friends.)

After THAT, I took a couple years off again. That's when I met a guy from work. We had such an amazing physical attraction right from the start. I think the first thing we talked about was the sex scene from Eminem's Eight Mile. (Which is the HOTTEST sex scene found in any general movies, in my opinion.) Did I mention an immense physical attraction was present between us, every time we were together?

The first ever 'romantic' date I had was courtesy of him. He made spaghetti and had candlelight. (Ohlala..)...

...And then I beat his butt at Super Mario Brothers that night *laugh*..we dated for a month or two, until he dumped me for another chick at work..

(Good news, though, we are once again friends. I am very happy for him, he has matured and became a wonderful person with a wonderful wife and beautiful baby. Note: his wife is not that chick that he dated after me.)

Do you see any pattern here, dear reader? Meet a guy, refuse to do all of that hanky-panky stuff, and eventually get dumped for a chick that did..

Anyway...

Then came a break, and I ended up with a psycho minister wanna be, who wanted me to become a barefoot, always pregnant, preacher's wife for the rest of my life, smiling and nodding at everything he said. I found THAT out a year into the relationship, and it took seven months or so for him to get the clue that I was done with him. He was just far too clingy and ended up stalking me. Crazy dude ended up following me across state lines when I went to stay with a friend, to think about things and eventually break up with him via phone. Then he had the GALL to tell everyone at work, and his friends/family that I was the reason that he had to start going to a psychiatrist. Yeah, dude.. I am the reason you are a certifiable nut case.. uhuh, we'll go with that.. Idiot.

I ended up falling head over heels for one of my friend's friends when I went to Nebraska to break up with psycho minister guy. We were inseparable most of the time I was over there. My friend ended up moving back home to Iowa not long after that, and Jeff followed him. We dated a total of almost three years, and were very happy for the majority of that time. We were completely and utterly attracted to each other on every level: physical attraction, mentally, and just everything. However, we currently are trying to figure out the whole 'friends' thing, since we broke up in July. Distance does not bode well for relationships.. *sad* But, if you look in my blog entries, you know just how much he still means to me..


And that brings me to where I am now.. single and contemplative.

I don't know what comes next, or really why I wrote this.. but for everything there is a reason, even if we don't realize at the time.

There's only a few guys in that mix that mean anything to me, and even though it's only in a friend capacity, I feel very blessed to have them both still in my life. The others can go fly a kite for all that I care.. *laugh* Either that, or I have no idea what's going on with them anymore, and don't know them from...well, from Adam.. as the saying goes! (Which makes a funny circle of an ending, don't you agree, dear reader?)

Livin' Our Love Song...

..well, we aren't. But that's the song that is playing right now on my media player.


I know that Jeff HATES country, but while we were dating 'Livin' Our Love Song' by Jason Michael Caroll was released. Every time I heard it, it reminded me of Jeff and I, and our wonderful relationship. I don't know why exactly, but it did.

And tonight, it came on while I was talking to him on messenger. I found it for you, dear reader, on Youtube.com.. See the blue link in the paragraph above? That will take you straight to it :P

Please have a watch, even if you don't like country. Jason Michael Carol has a GREAT voice, and it's a sweet love song. (Not to mention, he had great hair in this video lol..)



I now think it is time to go lay down.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear reader, the lyrics are also below for you to peruse..


Livin' Our Love Song Lyrics
Jason Michael Caroll

Baby when I look at you with your hair fallin' down in your baby blues
Standing there across the room I get so lost in the way you move
It makes me reminisce back ten years ago on a night like this
Teary eyed as you took my hand and I told you that I'd be your man
So many things have come so many things have gone
One thing that's stayed the same is our loves still growing strong

{Chorus}
Baby just look at us all this time and we're still in love
Something like this just don't exist
Between a backwoods boy and a fairy tale princess
People said it would never work out
Living our dreams and shattered all doubts
It feels good to prove 'em wrong
Living our love song

Oh darling would you look at me
With my heart beating fast and my shaking knees
It's pretty hard to believe after all these years I still need you this badly
You're dancing in my arms with a spotlight moon in a sea of stars
Oh girl we've come so far everything I want is everything that you are
Just want to lay you down
Say I love you without a sound
I think you know what I'm talking about

{Chorus}

{Chorus}

It feels good to prove 'em wrong
Just living our love song

Personal censorship, right or wrong?

People are funny.

I don't mean 'haha' funny, but just funny in not so good ways. I know that many of my readers didn't catch the second blog entry that I wrote last night. It was titled, 'Confessions' and it consisted of me trying to work things that are festering in the back of my mind.

It was posted less than ten minutes, before one of my readers (who it involved), became very angry over it. They defended themselves, with some valid points..I then made the entry 'private'. However, some of their validity escaped when they basically told me that I had it wrong, and I needed to state the facts. I would like to question how my feelings are wrong? Everyone perceives things differently. And I wrote how I felt about the particular events, and the current situation. Yet, I am wrong.

Yes, there are two sides to every story. The truth lies somewhere in the middle. I had teacher after teacher in my schooling say that, in reference to many written accounts of events, and to many parts of current situations and past historical events.

Regardless, I had made the blog entry private, as to not create any more chaos, or 'waves'. And I didn't limit that restriction to just my major blog. I also deleted it off of my fubar profile, my spicepad profile, and made it private on my myspace profile. I thought that would be the end of it. One person reading it, and no one else would be the wiser that it was ever written.

Wrong.

Not five minutes after I made my myspace entry private, I received a message from one of my readers. They complained that it was private and they wanted to read it. I declined, saying that it was a diary entry for me and apologized to them.

I then received a return message saying that blog entries are public, or are supposed to be. This particular reader wanted the details about what was in it 'or at least a hint'!!

So, I have gotten one reader upset that it was public without their side of the story to defend them..and then I have gotten another reader upset because they couldn't read it.

And I got upset with myself because I couldn't decide whether or not I should have made it public, private, or not written it at all!! I ended up in an disagreement with the person it involved, and really made my day crappy today with it's residue. I hate arguing with them, they are very important to me.

What do you think, dear reader?

Should I have censored myself? Should I keep some things unwritten? Do I have to make EVERY entry public for my readers?

Should I give the person a chance to write a rebuttal and republish that entry including it?

Is there areas of life that should be off-topic in my blogging endeavor?

It's All About The Beat..

Inspired once more by the wonderful Clever Girl Goes Blog writings, I have figured out my newest blog post. (Yes, that is a click-link. Go check her out if you have the time. You won't be sorry, she's a wonderful writer.)

I've been wanting to write a music post for some time, but I couldn't think of anything that wouldn't take a book to write. You know by now, how long my regular posts are!! If I were to write about something that I am extremely passionate about, you'd be old and grey before you were done reading it!


Anyway. Here is my shot at writing about music.

Music is something that comes so naturally to me.. it is a rare day when I don't have my car radio on, my MP3/cd player in my purse, or my computer spewing something with a beat out of the speakers.

I learned how to sing (horribly, but I started doing it anyway), as soon as I learned how to talk. At two years old, I knew most of Reba McEntire's 'Fancy' and by three years old I knew every word to Michael Jackson's 'Thriller'. (Even though I couldn't watch it in it's etireity, I always begged my mom to let it play on the TV and I covered my eyes! The cat eyes at the very end still freak me out!)

I couldn't begin to guess how many songs that I know the lyrics to, I hear a song and three times through it, I know the lyrics. There's the rare few that take a few more turns for me to memorize, but most of them I have down rather quickly. Even songs I don't like, I know. Go figure, huh?

Anywho. You get the point.

Music is as ESSENTIAL to me as the air I breathe. It bums me out that as much as I love singing, I am no good at it. I can make the dogs howl, I am sure. That is why I don't sing around ANYONE, unless it's so quietly you would think I am singing under my breath.

I have a hard time getting going in the morning, until I finally figured out the trick. I have a few select songs that I play almost every morning to get myself going. Call it my top five if you will.. and they are in this order for no other reason but because that is the order they are on in my media player.

So, here we go:

1. 'If You Want It To Be Good Girl, (Get Yourself A Bad Boy)
by... bet this will surprise you just a tad.. the Backstreet Boys. It's off of their debut album. (Remember WAY back when, you know back in 1997?) On some verisons of the album, it is the bonus track. On other albums, it doesn't appear at all. And it's clearly spelled out in the song EXACTLY what it is about. I'll try to remember later to link the titles with their lyrics so that you can read them, my lovely and dear readers.

2. 'Gimme More'
by Brittney Spears. Her album 'Blackout' has the majority of the songs in my morning routine. Even though this album was made and released during her breakdown year, it's still a wonderful album, with great beats and good lyrics. I bought it as soon as it came out, and was very pleasantly surprised.

3. Piece Of Me
, again by Miss Spears. Great song, again with a great beat (as all of the songs on this particular album). Written during the time of the year when all of the papparitzi were on her 24/7 TRYING to make her mess up more than she already was.

4. 'Radar'
. Yet another Spears track. The last one in my morning routine. Not one of my favorite tracks on the album, but still good.

Those four songs usually make it into my routine. If I have more time in the morning, I sometimes play some All 4 One..'She's Got Skillz' and 'The Bomb'

'Skillz' is definately clear about what it is about. It has a good beat, and surprisingly was played on the TV series, "Family Matters'. (Very surprising, to me anyway, considering that series was definately family oriented.

The Bomb has a great beat as well and fun to listen to.


So there you have it. A music post, (boring as it may be), finally from me. There will be more, never fear! If you can't tell, I like music that has a good beat, and catchy lyrics. Those two factors are major in deciding what I want to listen to in the morning when I am trying to get motivated to get ready for work.

What do you think of these songs (and lyrics?) I bet most of them can be found on either www.playlist.com
or youtube.com
(music videos or tribute videos.)

Enjoy Dear Reader!

Same old craziness...

Okay. So I will try this again. Maybe I should include some pictures as well.

For my benefit, not yours. That sounds a bit rude, doesn't it? Sorry, dear reader.. I am not very focused today. That's why I am contemplating pictures, to break up the monotony and help me plug along.

For those reading my full blog, notice anything new at the bottom of this page? That's right, I have a free copyright to my blog now. Thanks to Tia, author of one of my favorite blogs: Clever Girl Goes Blog


Sounds a bit premature, or stuck-up perhaps? Nah, I don't think so. See, I have a few blogs that I read on a constant basis, and quite a few of their authors have had their material stolen and claimed by someone else, whether the real author was well-read or just starting out.. so I thought I would get that in place BEFORE someone thought my stuff was worthy of taking...

Anyway.

Onward, to my past week. I am sure you're dying to hear any details that I have...

Okay. I bought Rob Zombie's Halloween this weekend.. I've seen it before, but it was only ten dollars on sale at Target and I've been wanting to add it to my collection. So I snagged it..

(....Wow, sorry about the run-on sentences and sentence fragments, dear reader. Told ya I wasn't with it tonight!....)

As I was saying, before I so rudely interrupted myself, I took it over to Jimmy's this weekend. We were going to watch it by ourselves, but his aunt had the night off. We tried convincing her that it was really gruesome and disturbing, hoping to get her out of there. She stayed for the whole thing, I was very impressed. The movie rocked, and now Jimmy has seen all three of Mr. Zombie's movies.

I can't wait to see what more movies he (Rob Zombie, not Jimmy,) may come out with. He is definitely my favorite director, and I haven't even listened to very much of his music. I believe I will look up some of his musical works sometime soon and buy, at least, a greatest hits album of his.

After the movie, she finally went to bed, and Jimmy made me some yummy bacon and eggs and we talked for quite awhile. He's a pretty good guy, and a good friend. (You hear that, people?? FRIEND!! Thank you very much. Now back to the topic at hand.)

So that was my Saturday.. work wasn't TOO bad this weekend. I avoided checking like the plague, instead busying myself with helping every customer I could possibly get in contact with on the floor, helping the fitting room with the phone and freight.

Boy, oh boy. That brings us to Monday, which was yesterday. Let's see..I worked 10-6:30, only took a half hour lunch so that I could get the heck out of dodge as soon as possible.

Came home and spoiled myself with a really long shower and thought I would wear my favorite outfit over to Jimmy's. In vain.

No matter what, I couldn't squeeze my ass into my favorite skirt!! I jumped up and down, tried shimmying into it, sucking in.. Nothing. It must have shrunk on the hanger. I bet that's what happened.

Good news though. My halter top still fits. That is if I suck in and don't breathe. But it zipped up all the way in the back, so it is still in use. So what if no oxygen entered my lungs all night? It was worth it, because I got to wear it!

We watched a bunch of TV last night, and he fixed up some of those rectangle crackers, sliced up some cheese and summer sausage. YUM..


Are you still awake, dear reader? Have I bored you to sleep yet? Wake up! It's time for you to leave comments and love for me! (*laughs*)

Have you ever experienced the shrinking clothes phenomenon? Who's your favorite director?

How's your daily grind treating you?

Spill it!! *INSERT evil laugh here*