Just a quick typing...

A quick note about a few things:

One, I finally decided to attack my family tree and find out more about my roots. I spent most of today just doing the maternal line of my family. Ancestry.com is AWESOME! I usually only can take a little bit of staring at a monitor at a time, but I think I spend at least six hours on the computer today, working on my lineage. I started with just a few papers that I received from my aunt, approximately 25-30 people.. and now I am at 181 of my ancestors figured out. Yeah!

Two, I wish that if people hinted or suggested that they were going to do something that they would follow through. It's rather annoying to be expecting some sort of event to occur, when it was mentioned in promising words.. and then nothing. Not even a few words to say that it wasn't going to happen. GRRR.... And that's all on that topic. I am not usually one to dwell.(EDITOR 'S NOTE: This has been happening to me a lot lately by different people, it is not any one particular person. I just had to vent it out and didn't want to name names.)

Three...Being at home, grounded by my defunct car is pretty okay, I am figuring out. More about what happened with my car, perhaps tomorrow morning.. but it shows me how much people really want to see me when I am not the one driving to them. It gives me more time to focus on myself and activities that I've been procrastinating.

Four.. work is going okay. I am slowly getting the person that is trying to cause problems for me out of the department. (I hope.) At least management can see now that I am not the incompetent one, because now others are complaining about her with things she's done and said to them. All in due time, All in due time..

Five.. Adam and I are still dating. I am not used to only seeing the guy that I am dating only once a week, but I guess it'll work out. He makes me happy, and I hope I do the same for him.. so it's all good.

All for now. I must go wrap up things for the night. My eyes are hurting from so much screen exposure today. Good night, everyone!

The past affecting the future

"The only man a girl can depend on is her daddy."

That line from Grease is one that has resonated with me for years, and it has even affected the way that I approach my relationships. I think this is, because in my case, I didn't even have my own dad to depend on growing up. He dropped out of my life right before my 2nd birthday, (August 7th, 1986) and didn't come back into my life until about two days before my 16th.

Fourteen years of absence from my life, and all he could say was, "I always MEANT to call or write, but time just gets away from us." Ten to one, he wouldn't have ever gotten back in contact with me, if it wasn't for the letters that I sent him secretly throughout 6th grade. And, not even then.. had it not been for my former step-mom who happened to find those letters while doing some spring cleaning! I owe it to her for the relationship I have with my father, albeit shaky and off-on as it is. At least I've gotten to meet my two half brothers, and my former step-sisters.

How has that quote and my experiences with an absent father affected my dating relationships? Easy. (Or so it may seem to me, now, that I've been thinking about it a lot (lightly for the last couple of years, heavily for the last half of year or so.)

Since I was about 16-17, I convinced most of myself that I didn't want children. I dated guys that didn't want them as well, and guys that weren't very dependable. I guess I figured that if I couldn't count on my daddy, then there weren't any guys that I could even attempt to count on to be there for me.

My realization of what I really wanted from life started coming unearthed, in my mind, during the last (very rocky) months of my previous relationship with Jeff. I was seeing how deep of a mess he was getting himself in, and I know that sooner or later, (pardon the crudeness,) the shit is going to hit the fan for him. I realized that I needed a man that I could depend on to stay out of trouble to be able to support me and a future family. I needed a man that could stay out of jail/prison and not resort to illegal practices to make money just for kicks. I needed a man that I could trust with all my heart and soul around myself and any possible children. And, perhaps most of all, I needed a man that wasn't an alcoholic like my father. Jeff didn't fit any of that bill.. which is when I just considered it a lost cause.

The truth of it is, I DO want marriage and a couple of children. I just hope with all that I have that I find a guy that will WANT to walk with me throughout all the experiences, trials, joys and tribulations of life together, no matter what happens or what comes our way. And hope that I don't have a 'hit and run' man.. one's just looking for flings and no commitment. (Like my father admitted when he dated my mother and then found out I was on the way.)

I'm scared to death that I wouldn't be a good momma... but if I didn't worry about that, shouldn't that raise more red flags about my abilities and my mindset?

I've been dating Adam for three months now. Through conversation about the topic and seeing him interact with Austin once, I know that he'd be there for me in the future if we happened to have children. And I know that he would be a good daddy. This is the first relationship that I have had that I am feeling really good about and am truly excited to see where it takes us. Perhaps it's because I've decided that I am not hiding my wants, needs and desires anymore. Or maybe it's because I have a really good feeling about us? It's definitely a combination of the two; and a whole lot more!

Maybe the line should be revised to be not that, "The only guy that a girl can depend on is her daddy," but that, "The only thing that a girl can depend on to show her what she needs and desires from her future is her past?"

Changing our image..

...one pound at a time.

That's what I hope to do in my family. Over the years, my family has slowly tacked on the pounds, like most Americans. Lots of greasy, fatty foods and no exercise.

I've been telling my brother that he was getting closer and closer to being obese, and a few weeks ago I ran his stats through a calculator online which told him that he was, yes, obese. Then, last week, he had a doctor's appointment and guess what?

That's right, the doctor told him the same thing, that he was now in the obese category and he needed to lose quite a bit of weight to be healthy again and avoid further medical problems.

My mother is overweight as well, but she's been talking about wanting to lose weight for a long time. So, last weekend we made a exercise room upstairs for everyone to use. (Now, although noise annoys me and that particular room is right above mine, I just remind myself that it's for their own good.) We gathered all the exercise elements that everyone had into one room for us all to use. We have a treadmill in there, a weight machine, a exercise bike, a pilates ball and an huge exercise ball, plus all of the DVDS and VHS' that we had. We'll be adding more, little by little, when we have the money. There's a really good AB machine that I want. It's one that has back support while I use it, which is really appealing because I have a really bad back.

On the food side of things, I am the primary grocery buyer in the house, and I realized that I wasn't helping matters at all with the food choices that I brought home. So, yesterday, I started myself a pretty cookbook, (with colored pages and pretty font,) of stuff that contains no chocolate and lots of healthy food. Chocolate is one of our biggest downfalls.

Starting on Tuesday, when I get groceries next, no more unhealthy foods are entering into our kitchen. And I will be cleaning out the unhealthy stuff tomorrow.

I just realized that I hadn't mentioned my weight or health yet, in my writings. (This computer is freezing up in the middle of every paragraph, kind of disrupts my train of thought with every opportunity. (Knock on wood...three thousand times!)

I started the year at a little less than 100 pounds. I know, I know, but I've been trying to GAIN weight for years, and it just wouldn't come. I had customers every week actually ask me if I was anorexic. Can you believe that?? I've always been below weight, no matter how much I ate and of what.

But, guess what? I am now at 116. Woot! Four more pounds to my goal, and then I will be happy. There is two downsides to that accomplishment, however. One, there's a good chance that if I don't start actually exercising, the weight gain won't stop. Two, the last month or two I've been finding clothes here and there that won't fit anymore.

So, last night, I went through every article of clothing in my closet and tried it all on. I ended up with two totes of stuff for the Salvation Army. I don't mind getting rid of stuff that I wasn't wearing to help those who don't have as much as I do, but almost ALL of my favorite stuff went into that pile. My black goth halter from Hot Topic, (I couldn't even get the thing zipped half way. The last time I wore it, I had to have help to get into it.), my favorite ripped blue jeans, and my slinky "vampiric" skirt that my ex bought me from an expensive store in the mall. I also had to get rid of all my short skirts except one. The "school girl" skirt I had, I couldn't even get past my hips, let alone zip it and wear in public. On second thought, that one's okay, because my ex loved that one and he just seemed to have an alarmingly increasing liking of young characteristics. And it wasn't designed for that sort of thing, it was decent.

So, enough mourning over the clothes I cannot wear anymore, I still have plenty to wear, and now the salvation army will have some more things to hand out. That's always the best part, knowing I am helping others. That's a total of TEN totes from my closet in the last month or so. That's crazy the amount of clothing that I had.

So, dear readers, enough about me, (I'm sure this is a book by now!). What are your thoughts on healthy eating? Do you have any favorite recipes or favorite food websites you would like to share?

Also, do you have any suggestions how to keep us all motivated to lose the weight and get healthy?

Deadbeat Fathers

Deadbeat Fathers
I just rewatched an episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Aire that hits very close to home. Before you groan about the show, which I love, this is a very serious episode that makes me actually start to cry, especially with the ending scene. Before going any further, here's the episode recap:

Originally aired: Monday May 9, 1994 on NBC

Will's natural father shows up out of the blue. While Will is thrilled Phillip and Viv are suspicious. Spending a few fun days with his father, Will can't see him for what he really is and begins to believe in him again. After having a few fun times with Will his father has to hit the road again and promises he will be back for Will to go with him. When he leaves without Will, Will realizes that his uncle Phil is the real man in his life.

The script from the final scene that I found thankfully on Google that really makes it hit home because it is EXACTLY how I feel and describes my relationship with my own absent father, down the the number of years he was completely out of contact:

Will: Hey, you no what, you ain't got to do nothing, uncle Phil. You kow, ain't like I'm still five years old, you know? Ain't like I'm be sitting every night asking my mom "when's daddy coming home," you know? Who need's 'em? Hey, he wasn't there to teach me how to shoot my first basket, but I learned it, didn't I? And I got pretty damn good at it too, didn't I, uncle Phil?
Phil: Yeah, you did.
Will: Got to do my first date without 'em, right? I learned how to ride, I learned how to shave, I learned how to fight without 'em. I had fourteen great birthdays without him; he never even sent me a damn card. THE HELL WITH HIM!! (pause) I didn't need 'em then I won't need 'em now.
Phil: Will,...
Will: No, you know what, uncle Phil? I'm get through college without him, I'm get a great job without him, I'm marry me a beautiful honey and I'm having a whole bunch of kids. I'm be a better father than he ever was. And I sure as hell don't need him for that, 'cause it ain't a DAMN THING HE CAN EVER TEACH ME ABOUT HOW LOVE MY KIDS! (long pause) How come he don't want me, man?


My father was, and is, a complete loser for me. I managed to have him off and on the first few years of my life, when he dropped off the planet it seemed. Fourteen years later, and two or three secretly mailed letters from myself to him during middle school, I got a letter from him saying 'time flies huh? I always MEANT TO call or write, but didn't have the chance.' Turns out that the same time I lost my father's attention and love, he remarried and two other little girls got the love from my father that was MINE. His wife (now ex) found my letters hidden in his drawer while doing some spur of the moment spring cleaning and told him he needed to contact me. That was six years ago, and our relationship has been sporadic at best. Last time I talked to him, I thought I would call him to tell him I was in a minor accident, and he didn't even ask if I was okay. All he said was 'well you learned a lesson didn't you'?

Yeah, I learned a lesson alright. I don't have my father's love, never have, and never will. My mom's ex fiancee was more of a father to me then my own ever was. My childhood best friend's father was more of a father to me, and my neighbor's father was.

But why am I denied my own father's love???