The past affecting the future

"The only man a girl can depend on is her daddy."

That line from Grease is one that has resonated with me for years, and it has even affected the way that I approach my relationships. I think this is, because in my case, I didn't even have my own dad to depend on growing up. He dropped out of my life right before my 2nd birthday, (August 7th, 1986) and didn't come back into my life until about two days before my 16th.

Fourteen years of absence from my life, and all he could say was, "I always MEANT to call or write, but time just gets away from us." Ten to one, he wouldn't have ever gotten back in contact with me, if it wasn't for the letters that I sent him secretly throughout 6th grade. And, not even then.. had it not been for my former step-mom who happened to find those letters while doing some spring cleaning! I owe it to her for the relationship I have with my father, albeit shaky and off-on as it is. At least I've gotten to meet my two half brothers, and my former step-sisters.

How has that quote and my experiences with an absent father affected my dating relationships? Easy. (Or so it may seem to me, now, that I've been thinking about it a lot (lightly for the last couple of years, heavily for the last half of year or so.)

Since I was about 16-17, I convinced most of myself that I didn't want children. I dated guys that didn't want them as well, and guys that weren't very dependable. I guess I figured that if I couldn't count on my daddy, then there weren't any guys that I could even attempt to count on to be there for me.

My realization of what I really wanted from life started coming unearthed, in my mind, during the last (very rocky) months of my previous relationship with Jeff. I was seeing how deep of a mess he was getting himself in, and I know that sooner or later, (pardon the crudeness,) the shit is going to hit the fan for him. I realized that I needed a man that I could depend on to stay out of trouble to be able to support me and a future family. I needed a man that could stay out of jail/prison and not resort to illegal practices to make money just for kicks. I needed a man that I could trust with all my heart and soul around myself and any possible children. And, perhaps most of all, I needed a man that wasn't an alcoholic like my father. Jeff didn't fit any of that bill.. which is when I just considered it a lost cause.

The truth of it is, I DO want marriage and a couple of children. I just hope with all that I have that I find a guy that will WANT to walk with me throughout all the experiences, trials, joys and tribulations of life together, no matter what happens or what comes our way. And hope that I don't have a 'hit and run' man.. one's just looking for flings and no commitment. (Like my father admitted when he dated my mother and then found out I was on the way.)

I'm scared to death that I wouldn't be a good momma... but if I didn't worry about that, shouldn't that raise more red flags about my abilities and my mindset?

I've been dating Adam for three months now. Through conversation about the topic and seeing him interact with Austin once, I know that he'd be there for me in the future if we happened to have children. And I know that he would be a good daddy. This is the first relationship that I have had that I am feeling really good about and am truly excited to see where it takes us. Perhaps it's because I've decided that I am not hiding my wants, needs and desires anymore. Or maybe it's because I have a really good feeling about us? It's definitely a combination of the two; and a whole lot more!

Maybe the line should be revised to be not that, "The only guy that a girl can depend on is her daddy," but that, "The only thing that a girl can depend on to show her what she needs and desires from her future is her past?"

Mood Swings, Promotions, and hot boyfriends..

I'm sad.

No reason why, really. I just am today. I get that way sometimes.

No, scratch that.

Often. I get that way often. With no reason in particular.

I mean, there's really nothing bad going on right now, it's all good. *knock on wood*

I've begun dating a really awesome guy that I've known for years.. Well, awesome, great, rockin', sweet..pick your adjective..it works. (There's plenty of entries waiting to be written involving the awesome times that I spend with him, but my blog notebook has decided to go M.I.A. and I have no idea where it has scampered off to..Never fear, once I find the little rascal my writings will be completely updated!!)

I am remodeling (cosmetically,) my bathroom. I could NOT take the boat theme one day longer. I don't know why the people who owned this house before me thought that it was a clever idea. They put medium blue on the lower half of three walls, a dark blue chair rail, one wall was completely dark blue. And they went as far as putting tacky silver knobs on the chair rail as well. BLECH.

Thanks to Adam, the chair rail and knobs are gone, and tonight I filled in the holes that were in the two walls that I will be painting first. I am going with the colors here in this picture:

along with a few accent pieces in darker blue, because the bathroom floor has blue/grey diamonds in it.

Anywho.


I got a LONG overdue promotion finally. You are now reading the thoughts and ideas of a -- *drumroll please*-- Jewelry Sales Co-ordinater. Woot! That bumps me up the payscale FIVE spots! And, it's higher up on the recognition scale, as well as being in a new area finally.

A girl can only be surrounded by shoes for so long, you know. (Lesser known fact, right??)

Happily Slacking...

I know, I know..I haven't written for awhile. Not ENTIRELY my fault, my computer has been acting so stupid lately, that I haven't felt like dealing with it any more than I have to. Though never fear, my dear readers... I have been jotting down little notes about every day that passes, so when I do FINALLY get the chance to blog a bit, I won't forget anything.

I was wondering where to start, but then I figured that the first day would be the most logical and best place to pick up where I started just writing in my notebook. Typically, however, I like starting in the middle of things. Then winding around to part of the beginning then meandering through parts of the ending..but I won't make you do that sort of reading tonight.

(Speaking of my dear readers, I seem to have lost some of you over the holiday season. I hope all is well, and you manage to surf through my blog occasionally. Feel free to leave your blog addresses as well, for the rest of us to read!)

Anywho.

Adam came over last night and we watched the 2006 version of 'The Hills Have Eyes'. I love that movie, but like with most horror/gory movies, I can't watch it by myself. I guess I'm girlie in that way! (I cannot even watch any of the 'Nightmare on Elm Street' movies by myself!)

After the movie ended, we decided to pop in 'Along Came Polly', starring Jennifer Aniston and cuddled together tightly throughout the whole thing. That has quickly become one of my favorite things to do: cuddling tightly in his arms! The movie ended around 3:30 in the morning, but we stayed up talking for another hour until we finally fell asleep in mid-conversation.

We woke up around 9, and started getting lost in conversation again right away. After awhile, (and after taking the puppy outside,) we fiddled around with this stupid computer of mine. We were thinking that I could go ahead and re-install windows because I had found the discs I needed to re-install the modem and router. Unfortunately, the windows disc that I have won't work on my desktop, only on my laptop. Grrrrrr....

Adam continually blows me away with how thoughtful and sweet he is! Like today. He noticed that the puppy doesn't like to go outside in the snow drifts, because it makes her paws too cold and she can't walk well out in the yard. So, he shoveled her a 'doggy run' in the yard. It's a medium sized circle that comes right up to two sides of the patio. She absolutely LOVES it! And it blew my mind with his thoughtfulness!

After awhile of being back inside, I fixed lunch for everyone consisting of: pork chops, yams, corn and mixed fruit. It turned out really good! The meat was just right, seeming to melt in my mouth when I ate it. Yummm...

He had plans with some friends this afternoon, so he left shortly after we ate. I must say that I had such a wonderful time with him and loved every minute of it!

Greased Lightin'

If you know me at all, you know my all-time FAVORITE movie is Grease, starring John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John.

I watched it again yesterday, and I still love it as much as the first time I saw it. The above video is my favorite part of the movie, when she makes his jaw drop (and all the other T-birds jaws as well!

I must be honest with you, dear reader. I wish I could cause that sort of reaction just once in my life. But alas.. I'm like the earlier good-girl Sandy, not like the head turning gorgeous Sandy.

And that is the bulk of my mini-pity party. I am who I am, and someday I will make someone's head turn, I am sure. (and not a creepy someone's, either!)

I used to hate what I looked like, and couldn't even look in the mirror at myself. I am slowly getting past that, and accepting who I am. Josh has a lot to do with that improvement, I must say. If you are just recently tuning in to my blogs, Josh is my best friend of over 18 years. And, he is the best best friend that anyone could ever hope for. He is a constant esteem booster, and shoulder when I need him for anything. And when I say anything, I mean ANYTHING.

I hope you enjoy the top clip, and just so that this entry can live up to it's title....Here is the Greased Lighten' clip! I love this scene as well, and I really have the whole movie memorized if you want to know the truth!

Deadbeat Fathers

Every time I see my father, I am reminded of this blog entry that I wrote awhile back. And, although it's a year and half old, it still applies to everything I feel towards my father today.
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First written:

Saturday, March 31, 2007

I just rewatched an episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Aire that hits very close to home. Before you groan about the show, which I love, this is a very serious episode that makes me actually start to cry, especially with the ending scene. Before going any further, here's the episode recap:

Originally aired: Monday May 9, 1994 on NBC

Will's natural father shows up out of the blue. While Will is thrilled Phillip and Viv are suspicious. Spending a few fun days with his father, Will can't see him for what he really is and begins to believe in him again. After having a few fun times with Will his father has to hit the road again and promises h e will be back for Will to go with him. When he leaves without Will, Will realizes that his uncle Phil is the real man in his life.

The script from the final scene that I found thankfully on Google that really makes it hit home because it is EXACTLY how I feel and describes my relationship with my own absent father, down the the number of years he was completely out of contact:

Will: Hey, you no what, you ain't got to do nothing, uncle Phil. You know, ain't like I'm still five years old, you know? Ain't like I'm be sitting every night asking my mom "when's daddy coming home," you know? Who needs 'em? Hey, he wasn't there to teach me how to shoot my first basket, but I learned it, didn't I? And I got pretty damn g ood at it too, didn't I, uncle Phil?
Phil: Yeah, you did.
Will: Got to do my first date without 'em, right? I learned how to ride, I learned how to shave, I learned how to fight without 'em. I had fourteen great birthdays without him; he never even sent me a damn card. THE HELL WITH HIM!! (pause) I didn't need 'em then I won't need 'em now.
Phil: Will,...
Will: No, you know what, uncle Phil? I'm get through college without him, I'm get a great job without him, I'm marry me a beautiful honey and I'm having a whole bunch of kids. I'm be a better father than he ever was. And I sure as hell don't need him for that, 'cause it ain't a DAMN THING HE CAN EVER TEACH ME ABOUT HOW LOVE MY KIDS! (long pause) How come he don't want me, man?


My father was, and is, a complete loser for me. I managed to have him off and on the first few years of my life, when he dropped off the planet it seemed. Fourteen years later, and two or three secretly mailed letters from myself to him during middle school, I got a letter from him saying 'time flies huh ? I always MEANT TO call or write, but didn't have the chance.' Turns out that the same time I lost my father's attention and love, he remarried and two other little girls got the love from my father that was MINE. His wife (now ex) found my letters hidden in his drawer while doing some spur of the moment spring cleaning and told him he needed to contact me. That was six years ago, and our relationship has been sporadic at best. Last time I talked to him, I thought I would call him to tell him I was in a minor accident, and he didn't even ask if I was okay. All he said was 'well you learned a lesson didn't you'?

Yeah, I learned a lesson alright. I don't have my father's love, never have, and never will. My mom's ex fiancee was more of a father to me then my own ever was. My childhood best friend's father was more of a father to me, and my neighbor's father was.

But why am I denied my own father's love???

A moment of wonderful closure..

..what could be more appropriate for me, then to obtain closure on my past relationship through music?

It comes in the shape of Taylor Swift's, "Picture to Burn" song/video. I am actually fighting a losing battle of exhaustion as I type this, but I thought it was an important breakthrough for me to announce that the latest romantic chapter of my life has officially ended, and I have made a pact with myself not to think about those 2.5 years with him or him in general any more and to move on to new people and/or new experiences.

To celebrate, dear readers, here it is. The one, the only, Taylor Swift and her music video for "Picture to Burn". I love this song, (and singing along with it when no one is around!)

Teardrops on My Guitar-Taylor Swft Lyrics

Current mood: thoughtful


Teardrops On My Guitar lyrics

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I need everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without

Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it's just so funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

[Chorus:]

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause

[Repeat Chorus]

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see.

I love my man

No matter what is going on in my life, or in my head, he always makes me feel better and happier just by hearing his voice and feeling his arms around me. I don't have to say a word about how I am feeling, and he knows just how to make it seem so much better.

He is the one who makes me complete and fulfills my every need, want and desire. I hope I can always do the same for him. My only worry is that I will somehow drive him away or make him unhappy. I don't ever want to do that, I want to be there for him always, and treat him the very best just as he deserves....

I'm so lucky..

...to have the man i do. He treats me like a princess in every way imaginable. He is there when I need a shoulder to lean on, he offers help whenever I need it in the slightest. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile, he makes me happy. He completes me, like a piece of me that was gone, is now present and accounted for.

He gave me the most beautiful jewelry a few nights ago. He bought it from my favorite jewelry store, Helzburg Diamonds. He knew exactly what I would like, and got it. I don't know how he did it, but it is just another example of how well we read each other, like books. Oh lord, how I love that man with all my heart and soul. He has captured every part of me, if he was to disappear for some reason, I don't know if I could back to living life the way I was before he came into it.

I used to have myself blocked off to the world, emotionally and social (in a wide aspect). I didn't allow myself to feel, or do anything besides automatically go through my days. Since Jeff has come into my life, things have been so new to me in the way of feeling again, of paying attention to the world.

I know to the reader that this must sound obscene and downright crazy stalker speak, but it's what I feel. I can not put into words just how much he means to me, and how our relationship is. So this is my feeble attempt and writing something of how I feel.