My ditzyness has struck again!!!

It started out as a pretty good day for me. I worked six to three today at work, instead of the eleven to eight schedule i was originally down for. I went over to Jeff's after that, and we had some close quiet time :P together..... We decided to head to the beach, where my airheadedness appeared once more. I locked my keys in the car! We didn't realize this until after we were done swimming, and my cell phone was sitting in the car right next to the keys and my wallet. So, since we couldn't call Kirk and Marsha, we headed home. Eight miles later, we arrived and got his car, a hanger, a flashlight and his phone.

We got back to my car, and it all seemed hopeless because the hanger just wasn't doing the trick. So I called kirk and he offered to come and try to open it himself. While he was en-route, a ranger drove by and actually stopped to see if we needed anything. He started to work on it and then Kirk showed up. Between Jeff, Kirk and the ranger, they finally managed to open my car. Yeah! jeff and Kirk both rock.

Anyway, that was the excitement of the day...

I'm so tired from walking all that way, working a full shift, and all that sort of of fun stuff. I'm crashing now as I read this!

*Seana

A Bit O' Ramblin'...

I guess he is moving his stuff back home on August 1st. Thats only nine days away. :( *sniffle* This is going to be so hard (already is), I wish I could go with him now, but I have to wait at least three months. I was going to sleep over there tonight, a first, but the neighbors overhead were driving me crazy with their elephant like antics... I could hear the continuous stepping as I dozed, and it prevented me from falling all the way asleep. I would've told him that, but he wouldn't have believed me. Noises like that easily annoy me, I am very sensitive to them. I'm going to miss him soooo badly....

I have a headache.

We went to the mall tonight. Having no money, it was a short visit. But we did do air hockey, which we haven't done in far too long. He whupped me! :) We walked the length of the mall, and browsed through Barnes and Noble and FYE, just talking. However, he did mention something with a lot of truth. I never hang out with any of my friends. He said I have never mentioned that I was going to go out with friends, or see them. I know this, but what am I suppose to do? It was brought up when he asked what I was going to do after he moved back home, and I answered 'surf the net a lot more, return to being a net junkie'. I don't have many friends in all honesty. Him, Kirk, Marsha, Jenny, Erin (Strait), and Josh. Depressing, but that's how it has always been. I don't know why, I consider myself likable.... :( What's wrong with me?

Lammasfest is going to cost 40 dollars. I have to have it by the end of the week. I guess I can supplement what I will have to spare for it with my movies that I don't watch if I need to. I don't know if I will have to, but its an option. No matter what, it will be worth it, to get into nature (the hours I am not working) and spend what I can with Jeff..that's worth it right there.

I suppose i should go to bed...its 3:30 in the morning...... I want to be in his arms once more so badly. I have to work in less then eight hours....

Okay...I have completely lost it...

I got to see Jeff today, and this evening I could not stop wanting to cry. I've seriously lost my mind. It's been a bad day, piled on top of many other bad days. The only good parts are when i get to be with him, and in his arms.

Mom and I went down to the storage unit today to figure out what we wanted to keep of our respective items, and found that the decision was already made for us. Almost every single item in the unit was covered with mold or rust. For those who consider renting a storage unit, I highly recommend staying away from Quality Care Lawn Maintaince and storage. And not only was there abundance of rust and mold, there was a dead rat in there!!!!!! Of course, when we brought this issue to the attention of the staff, they blamed us! For one, not renting a climate controlled unit, and for two not having something in there to absorb the humidity and heat. They said they told us that before, but trust me, I heard nothing about how we were going to have to spend more then 1oo dollars a month to rent the unit and pay to protect the stuff inside on top of that. (which I thought that was why I was paying so much to have my stuff there in the first place) Once we realized that we were having to pull everything out so we could put all the ruined items on one side, and the few things that could be salvaged on the other, I called Jeff and asked him if he could help us do it. He was sooo sweet and came over to help us move the heavy things around, because my back was starting to hurt. It didn't take very long to do that with his help. I love that man! He is so good to me.

After that, he went home to eat and relax, and we ran errands. done that, came home, did a few things, and then finally got to head over to Jeff's. Where i promptly lost my mind.

We were cuddling, and I was kissing him while we watched part of the commentary on the house of the dead movie. All of a sudden I thought about how he wasn't going to be in this state in less then two weeks to be able to kiss and touch on a daily basis and I had tears wanting to well over. I went to the bathroom and composed myself while he was unaware watching the movie. (he is under enough stress without having to think about his crazy crying girlfriend, i thought). I had thought I was back under control, but i did end up starting to tear up while we were cuddling and he noticed. and then I failed once more as a girlfriend, not asking about how his appointment went today. This is why I didn't ask: we were at Kirks and Marsha's for a few minutes earlier, and he commented on how he had to make that important call tomorrow, and so I assumed that he didn't go to the appointment or talk to them today. So when i didn't ask, he accused me of not caring. He never did tell me how it went. I really care, but now i have to prove it once more. I care about everything that happens to him or affects him. I love that man with all of my heart soul, mind and body! Things will be turn out alright, but it's just hard..

My head hurts. It's been hurting all day, more and more. My headache has a headache.

I am watching full house, and not wanting to go to bed. I don't know why I am adverse to going to sleep lately.. I am tired, sleep would do me well. Jesse proposed to Rebbecca in Nevada (on one knee!), and then Rebbecca said 'I don't'. Now they are arguing about there differences and how she hurt Jesse, moving too fast... yadayada...The actress who played her was very pretty.

I am not looking forward to change...

it never fails. Things that finally seem to start falling into place always fall right back out again. Jenny and her husband (sounds strange saying that!) are moving to Montana, Jeff is moving back home with his family to go back to school, and work has been more stressful then ever after I thought it had finally become enjoyable and manageable.

I am under so much stress... my tricho is getting waaaaaaaaaaaay out of hand again. I can tell the spot where I concentrate on all the time. I really really don't want him moving back to Nebraska :( I like things just the way they are. I know, I know, I should be happy for him and happy that he wants to better our future together...after all I was one of the people that kept trying to encourage him to go back, but :( it's sooooo far away........ selfish i know. I am happy that he wants to go back.. don't get me wrong, but I thought he would go back to Kirkwood here. Self centered I am, I guess.

Just when things were going pretty well...

life just had to throw another curve ball. Jeff and I were doing well, work was tolerable, and my family was getting along. but now there's a new thing to deal with. Jeff has to move back home to Nebraska. The current situation has made no other alternatives. We have to deal with 300 miles between us. I guess the plus side is that it is for our betterness and he will be happier with a purpose and a direction in life (which he has said before), which makes me happy when he is happy. he can go back to school and get a degree in something which will get him a career and better our living when we finally get to live together. He will get to stay with his mom while he goes back to school, and wont have to worry about bills and rent hanging over his head.

It makes me very sad to think about it. I cried, and the tears still threaten, but how silly is that? I am just under so much right now, and I fear that I am near the breaking point. FOever I have been the one that everyone else leans on, and it is again becoming too much. Growing up, I was there for my friends and especially Jenny. Don't get me wrong, i love being the woman behind the man(of course Jeff I am talking about, I would never want another) but I also have JoAnn leaning on me because of her health crisis and my family, and Jenny still.)

Wow..

I just slept 10 1/2 hours... that is the longest I have been able to sleep in ages. I went to bed shortly after eleven last night, and woke up about ten this morning... wow.......

Wow...

I just slept 10 1/2 hours... that is the longest I have been able to sleep in ages. I went to bed shortly after eleven last night, and woke up about ten this morning... wow.......

Why can't I...

be one of those woman who turn everyone's head when she walks by? Okay not everyone's head, there are some creepy people out there! I get those a lot!! But I want to be sexy, beautiful, and considered pretty each day...
I was not a cute child, and in middle school and high school I was definitely not in the pretty group of girls. You know who your real friends are when you grow up like that. They were the kids that didn't care what you looked like, it was inside that seemed to matter to them. (You know, the line of thinking that parents try to teach their offspring, but many times goes in one ear and out the other?) The few friends I had still mean the world to me. I will forever be in love (friend-wise) with them: Jenny, Josh, Jeremy, Billy.... thanks to them, growing up was bearable. I met Josh and Jeremy(twin brothers, and both were cute :P lol) waaaaaaaaaay back in 2nd grade. My mom used to watch them and their older brother Jonathon when we were younger and their dad was working. Josh is the one that I was searching for for over five years.... Jenny, I met her our first day of third grade (and my first day in that school). We've been best friends ever since and sometimes inseparable. I positively love her to death! (the first two pictures are of Jen and I from high school...and jeff and I in the third one.) Anyway...I guess that I shouldn't waste time worrying about what other people think about me. I have a great guy that I have been dating for almost two years now. We are as happy as can be :) . He is soooo good to me and loving, a gentleman and wonderful! Yes, I am head over heels!!!
So perhaps, I should just try to stop thinking about what others think about me, and just try to think of myself in a better light? I don't know... I like what I look like, until I look in the mirror.. I know that what Jeff sees he likes, and there are certain parts of me that I absolutely love (most definitely my bum!!! I have a very nice bum! and my flat stomach! I look pretty good in my bikini if I say so myself!) So, reading over what I have written thus far.. what is it I truly don't like about myself? I think it's more of what I used to look like instead of what I look like now. I can't do anything about what I used to look like, so why am I holding on to that? The human mind is mysterious!
Looking at the pictures I have put in here, I am not that bad looking... it is all in my head. I don't know why it is there though, and that is why I continue to ponder this subject, much to the dispair of my readers! It is annoying, and takes up much time. I am not self-centered, for those readers who do not know me that well... but I try to understand myself, and explore why I think, feel, and act the way I do.

The entry I wrote a few weeks ago, I just found it....

(Written in the middle of June)

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Haven't written for awhile. Been thinking about it for a week or two. I would take my notepad and go into hiding (AKA the family restroom), and disappear into the white space and blue lines for a few minutes. It's seriously on of these downer moods. This Red Hot Chili Peppers song fists me perfectly: tone, music, lyrics and all, but now its over :( I just headed in the direction of hiding, but its almost five and time fore the evening meeting. I wouldn't get peace and aloneness that I desperately crave at the moment. Bah....

Saw Erin (Strait) today. :) That was a higher point of my day. Its always nice to catch up with her a bit. class Reunion (Five years) will be on August eighteenth, from what she said. I best get cracking on my makeover, that not much time in the wholes scheme of things. Speaking of makeovers, I need to call Cloudy's groomer and cuss them out for canceling two appointments in a row. Shes past the cute rag-a-muffin stage, and looks pitiful :( The knots cant feel that good either.

Later (5:05)

ARE THEY EVER GOING TO CALL THE MEETING?!?!? I can't hide until I am back from lunch, and I so desperately want to do so. I guess I will zone some and wait hopefully at each PA click, maybe it will be the one to signal I can leave, if only for a little bit.

Yet Later (7:00)

I am in my blessed hiding finally. Lunch was uneventful, if you can call it that, for I didn't eat. I don't want to be here, no inkling of desire to be in this loud, cavernous mercantile. Only two places in the world would satisfy me, in Jeff's arms with his fingers in my hair with my eyes closed OR laying huddled under the covers, cloud curled tightly against me and midnight on my other side as I sleep. I suppose an even better option would be the one with Jeff, only flipped horizontal, huddling under the covers sleeping.

I should call or email Jenny. I haven't talked to her in awhile.

I want to go shopping, buy myself something pretty. I did that yesterday, thought because I was having my first good day in quite awhile. Now its back to the tiring down grind, and I want to console myself I suppose.

Its been ten minutes at least. I suppose I should venture out of hiding and try not to kill anyone.. that is slightly frowned upon in society (for some reason......)

Over a month since I have last posted...

anything whatsoever here...and now I am upset with my self once again. I did write a blog entry a few weeks ago at work, and put it in hiding here. I just tried finding it so I could enter it in tonight...and what do you know? I can't find it! Grrr.....

I miss Josh. I sent him a message tonight, saying if he doesn't come home in one piece, I was going to kill him... an attempt to make him smile, if it works...

Class Reunion on August 18th. I don't know if I am going. That reminds me, I need to email Jenny and tell her. I love that girl! I don't know what I would do without her as my best friend!

So many of my former classmates were either rude and mean to me, or ignored me altogether. It would be great to get a makeover before then, and show up.. I might want to laugh at some of them, but that's only because the popular girls insisted that they were moving to the big city and becoming great things like a designer or magazine editor...Instead I have seen quite a few of them pushing strollers here in good ol' Iowa....