Strong Enough To Break

"Strong Enough To Break"

I don't feel myself today
Just a figure in a big monopoly game
Struggle is the price you pay
You get just enough just to give it away
I'm sinking but I'm floating away
Throw me a line so I can anchor my pain
The fabric is about to fray
The fabric is about to fray

Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately
Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately
Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately

Things keep coming and I keep wondering
I start feeling the walls close in
Things keep coming and I keep stumbling
I start feeling I'm strong enough to break
Oh, I start feeling I'm strong enough to break

Been running through my mind today
Scenarios to add to your hypocrisy
No one ever takes the blame
But everyone is searching for a cure to the pain
Nothing ever seems to change
Oh, nothing ever seems to change
We just play like broken records in a deaf man's charade

Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately
Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately
Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately

Things keep coming and I keep wondering
I start feeling the walls close in
Things keep coming and I keep stumbling
I start feeling I'm strong enough to break
Oh, I start feeling I'm strong enough to break

Carry on just a pawn and the same old song
I'm still holding on

The fabric is about to fray

Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately
Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately

Things keep coming and I keep wondering
I start feeling the walls close in
Things keep coming and I keep stumbling
I start feeling I'm strong enough
Things keep coming and I keep wondering
I start feeling the walls close in
Things keep coming and I keep stumbling
I start feeling I'm strong enough to break
Oh, I start feeling I'm strong enough to break

((Sorry, about the audio quality.. but it's the best I could find. No, they don't lisp like that, relax and lay off the Hanson comments, okay? I'm really not in the mood, just a fair warning dear reader.))

This song really reflects how I feel right now. I just thought I would pass it along to you, it's really a good song. One of my favorites actually by them.



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The video comment kindly left by my reader-Lady_Moonlight. The audio is MUCH better here.... enjoy!

Invisible quicksand, raising ever so slightly...

I miss him. I mean more than just friends missing friends.

I can't have him. I know this, and it's quite clear that nothing has changed.

But that doesn't lead to a change in my feelings. I want him, need him, can't have him.

But, damn it, I want him and to be his forever..

That doesn't help me decide in the slightest where to go from here. It seems as if I can't go forward, yet I can't go back.

I feel like I am stuck in a invisible quicksand..not exactly drowning, at least not yet, but unable to change my position.

I'm at a loss of words to describe how I am, emotionally and over-all. (I know, right? Dear reader, I bet you are thinking, 'Wow.. it must be serious. A loss of words from the blogger who writes books? AMAZING.'

But I am. I don't have any clue where to begin sorting things out and expressing myself. And that's not good. How do I expect myself to be heard to those who need to hear, and make possible changes if I can't articulate myself to them?

(What a fancy word, articulate. It's one of my favorites, I think. What a nerd I am..)

Dear reader, do you have any ideas how I might make my way around the roadblock in my mind?

Also..do you have any words you especially like? (CLEAN! Not dirty! Be nice here.. but tell me what you like best in the English (or non-English) English..Definitions would be great as well, if it's a lesser known word..we could all stand to learn a new thing once and awhile, I think!)


Oh.. I feel so lost...

Inadvertently Anti-Social..

I can't do it.

I just can't. Everyone around me, however, seems to find it easy as pie.

But not me.

I mean, I grew up as a half-time small town Midwestern Girl. I SHOULD be able to do it. Everyone in the small town of Oxford, IA can do it and do it every time they step foot out of their front door. I go to visit my second mom, and people are waving at me and smiling, saying hi and trying to start conversation. (People I don't recognize or remember in the slightest, remember me and want to catch up..)

I mean, I try every day, EVERY DAY, to make eye contact and smile at people around me.

I fail at (almost) every attempt to smile and say hi to complete strangers, or people that I haven't talked to very often. I mean, I'm thinking 99% failure here...It's apparently not in my programming.

You know how hard that makes my job in public retail? The customers smile and me, and expect small talk to come pouring out of my mouth. Not so easy, sorry.

It's not that I don't try. I mean, most of the time I see someone walking my direction and think, 'Smile at them, say hi...something! Quit being so anti-social!!' . Then the person walks by, I look the other way and failure. I can't get myself to do it.

Why????

(It's always been this way, just been getting worse lately. When I was growing up, it took me a few months to get used to my classmates, another month or two to actually start talking to them, and then another month or two to start sitting with them in the lunch room and in class. Think about it.. that's most of the school year gone in that time. Summer would come around before you knew it, and then I would have to start all over again with most of my classmates the next year...)

Do you know anyone like this? Are you like this?

Do you have any clues to this annoying phenomen, dear reader? Do you have any suggestions for me?

Help!!!!!

Love Me If You Can

I'm sure you've realized it by now, actually I'm sure you've realized two things by now. One, that I relate to music and use it to help me relate to you, dear reader; and two, that I like Toby Keith and country music in general.

This particular Toby Keith song really shows another side of him, and excluding the religion references, I think that it reflects how I want other people to view me. Does that make sense, dear reader?

Many people I know may not like(or understand why I do,) what I do, or what propels my thinking.. but all I want is for others to accept me for who I am, and possibly love me for who I am.

That's all that I ask. All that I can offer as a person/friend/daughter/sister/significant other is all that I am.. nothing more, nothing less.


Is that enough for you?

History of relationships..

I've been thinking a bit lately about different conversations I've had in the past with friends and the different relationships I've had. Well, by 'a bit', I really mean A LOT. For some reason, my brain keeps replaying and reviewing different conversational tidbits, and dissecting the various relations I've had with those I've dated.

For instance, I had this friend named Adam, who really started out as solely my brother's friend. He told EVERYONE that he met (when I was around), that he had known me since I was knee high to a grasshopper *laugh*. He is the same age as my brother, who is an astonishingly eight years, one month, and twelve hours older than I.

This is the same guy that told me I had a 'barbie doll' kind of body, when I was 17-18.. I STILL don't see how he saw that. Yeah, if Barbie lost all of her boobs, and was marketed as a Midwestern Plain Jane.. maybe then..perhaps with a head sized paper bag sold separate? However, I don't think that would make much money..

I have been thinking also about the various guys I have dated. I've always been attracted to bad boys, but they are no good for me! Let's see.. there have been the following:

Myron.. *whoops* I'm ashamed to say, but almost forgot about him!! I only remembered when I was proofreading this! He was the first 'date' I ever had. We went to my ninth grade homecoming together, and dated for about a month. He was the first guy I ever kissed. We kept a 'notebook' back and forth, together during that time.. makes me laugh to think about it now.
He ended up with one of my closest friends at the time, Liz. He went into the service after he graduated, they ended up married and they stayed together for quite some time. Unfortunately, that didn't work out, and they divorced. I haven't really talked to either one of them in years, I got the situation recap from him when I saw him at my work about four or five years ago. He was a sweet guy.

Gabe...he was way older than me, my first actual 'boyfriend'. Never did anything physical together, and we were broken up/together about half/half the time. At one point, we went on a 'break', and he proceeded to stay that weekend with a girl he knew from high school..because I wouldn't do anything with him. He knocked her up, and that was the end of us.

Mike...I think he was the baddest boy of them all. He transferred to my school a few weeks into tenth grade. I met him around the time Gabe and I started dating.. THAT lasted a full week, until he realized he wasn't getting anywhere with me, and dumped me for a friend of mine..I see him every once and awhile while I am working, but we don't talk anymore. It's a shame really.. he was a cool guy. Did drugs, drank, and caused trouble, but he was cool. Teachers HATED him.. but I wonder why?

Jeremiah and I dated my junior year of high school, for about nine or ten months. We were pretty serious, I had his class ring on a necklace around my neck, remember how big of a deal that was to us in high school??

We were together ALL the time during the week when I wasn't in school and he wasn't at work. He went out every weekend though, dancing, decked out in cowboy ware..and had several 'escapade's', including one with a friend of mine. He dumped me for her, and they are married to this day with two little kids. So, at least it worked out for him, I'm happy for them.

After that, I didn't date anyone for a few years, until the spring/summer after I graduated high school. I was seventeen at the time, and I ended up dating this guy named Josh, who idolized Eminem. I met him through my best friend at the time, and we hung out with a group of friends at the mall every weekend. He was sweet and thoughtful.. but had many, many issues.. He ended up breaking up with me cryptically on the phone one day. Turns out he got another girl pregnant. (I pieced that together later, from reports from his mom and friends.)

After THAT, I took a couple years off again. That's when I met a guy from work. We had such an amazing physical attraction right from the start. I think the first thing we talked about was the sex scene from Eminem's Eight Mile. (Which is the HOTTEST sex scene found in any general movies, in my opinion.) Did I mention an immense physical attraction was present between us, every time we were together?

The first ever 'romantic' date I had was courtesy of him. He made spaghetti and had candlelight. (Ohlala..)...

...And then I beat his butt at Super Mario Brothers that night *laugh*..we dated for a month or two, until he dumped me for another chick at work..

(Good news, though, we are once again friends. I am very happy for him, he has matured and became a wonderful person with a wonderful wife and beautiful baby. Note: his wife is not that chick that he dated after me.)

Do you see any pattern here, dear reader? Meet a guy, refuse to do all of that hanky-panky stuff, and eventually get dumped for a chick that did..

Anyway...

Then came a break, and I ended up with a psycho minister wanna be, who wanted me to become a barefoot, always pregnant, preacher's wife for the rest of my life, smiling and nodding at everything he said. I found THAT out a year into the relationship, and it took seven months or so for him to get the clue that I was done with him. He was just far too clingy and ended up stalking me. Crazy dude ended up following me across state lines when I went to stay with a friend, to think about things and eventually break up with him via phone. Then he had the GALL to tell everyone at work, and his friends/family that I was the reason that he had to start going to a psychiatrist. Yeah, dude.. I am the reason you are a certifiable nut case.. uhuh, we'll go with that.. Idiot.

I ended up falling head over heels for one of my friend's friends when I went to Nebraska to break up with psycho minister guy. We were inseparable most of the time I was over there. My friend ended up moving back home to Iowa not long after that, and Jeff followed him. We dated a total of almost three years, and were very happy for the majority of that time. We were completely and utterly attracted to each other on every level: physical attraction, mentally, and just everything. However, we currently are trying to figure out the whole 'friends' thing, since we broke up in July. Distance does not bode well for relationships.. *sad* But, if you look in my blog entries, you know just how much he still means to me..


And that brings me to where I am now.. single and contemplative.

I don't know what comes next, or really why I wrote this.. but for everything there is a reason, even if we don't realize at the time.

There's only a few guys in that mix that mean anything to me, and even though it's only in a friend capacity, I feel very blessed to have them both still in my life. The others can go fly a kite for all that I care.. *laugh* Either that, or I have no idea what's going on with them anymore, and don't know them from...well, from Adam.. as the saying goes! (Which makes a funny circle of an ending, don't you agree, dear reader?)

Livin' Our Love Song...

..well, we aren't. But that's the song that is playing right now on my media player.


I know that Jeff HATES country, but while we were dating 'Livin' Our Love Song' by Jason Michael Caroll was released. Every time I heard it, it reminded me of Jeff and I, and our wonderful relationship. I don't know why exactly, but it did.

And tonight, it came on while I was talking to him on messenger. I found it for you, dear reader, on Youtube.com.. See the blue link in the paragraph above? That will take you straight to it :P

Please have a watch, even if you don't like country. Jason Michael Carol has a GREAT voice, and it's a sweet love song. (Not to mention, he had great hair in this video lol..)



I now think it is time to go lay down.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear reader, the lyrics are also below for you to peruse..


Livin' Our Love Song Lyrics
Jason Michael Caroll

Baby when I look at you with your hair fallin' down in your baby blues
Standing there across the room I get so lost in the way you move
It makes me reminisce back ten years ago on a night like this
Teary eyed as you took my hand and I told you that I'd be your man
So many things have come so many things have gone
One thing that's stayed the same is our loves still growing strong

{Chorus}
Baby just look at us all this time and we're still in love
Something like this just don't exist
Between a backwoods boy and a fairy tale princess
People said it would never work out
Living our dreams and shattered all doubts
It feels good to prove 'em wrong
Living our love song

Oh darling would you look at me
With my heart beating fast and my shaking knees
It's pretty hard to believe after all these years I still need you this badly
You're dancing in my arms with a spotlight moon in a sea of stars
Oh girl we've come so far everything I want is everything that you are
Just want to lay you down
Say I love you without a sound
I think you know what I'm talking about

{Chorus}

{Chorus}

It feels good to prove 'em wrong
Just living our love song

Personal censorship, right or wrong?

People are funny.

I don't mean 'haha' funny, but just funny in not so good ways. I know that many of my readers didn't catch the second blog entry that I wrote last night. It was titled, 'Confessions' and it consisted of me trying to work things that are festering in the back of my mind.

It was posted less than ten minutes, before one of my readers (who it involved), became very angry over it. They defended themselves, with some valid points..I then made the entry 'private'. However, some of their validity escaped when they basically told me that I had it wrong, and I needed to state the facts. I would like to question how my feelings are wrong? Everyone perceives things differently. And I wrote how I felt about the particular events, and the current situation. Yet, I am wrong.

Yes, there are two sides to every story. The truth lies somewhere in the middle. I had teacher after teacher in my schooling say that, in reference to many written accounts of events, and to many parts of current situations and past historical events.

Regardless, I had made the blog entry private, as to not create any more chaos, or 'waves'. And I didn't limit that restriction to just my major blog. I also deleted it off of my fubar profile, my spicepad profile, and made it private on my myspace profile. I thought that would be the end of it. One person reading it, and no one else would be the wiser that it was ever written.

Wrong.

Not five minutes after I made my myspace entry private, I received a message from one of my readers. They complained that it was private and they wanted to read it. I declined, saying that it was a diary entry for me and apologized to them.

I then received a return message saying that blog entries are public, or are supposed to be. This particular reader wanted the details about what was in it 'or at least a hint'!!

So, I have gotten one reader upset that it was public without their side of the story to defend them..and then I have gotten another reader upset because they couldn't read it.

And I got upset with myself because I couldn't decide whether or not I should have made it public, private, or not written it at all!! I ended up in an disagreement with the person it involved, and really made my day crappy today with it's residue. I hate arguing with them, they are very important to me.

What do you think, dear reader?

Should I have censored myself? Should I keep some things unwritten? Do I have to make EVERY entry public for my readers?

Should I give the person a chance to write a rebuttal and republish that entry including it?

Is there areas of life that should be off-topic in my blogging endeavor?

It's All About The Beat..

Inspired once more by the wonderful Clever Girl Goes Blog writings, I have figured out my newest blog post. (Yes, that is a click-link. Go check her out if you have the time. You won't be sorry, she's a wonderful writer.)

I've been wanting to write a music post for some time, but I couldn't think of anything that wouldn't take a book to write. You know by now, how long my regular posts are!! If I were to write about something that I am extremely passionate about, you'd be old and grey before you were done reading it!


Anyway. Here is my shot at writing about music.

Music is something that comes so naturally to me.. it is a rare day when I don't have my car radio on, my MP3/cd player in my purse, or my computer spewing something with a beat out of the speakers.

I learned how to sing (horribly, but I started doing it anyway), as soon as I learned how to talk. At two years old, I knew most of Reba McEntire's 'Fancy' and by three years old I knew every word to Michael Jackson's 'Thriller'. (Even though I couldn't watch it in it's etireity, I always begged my mom to let it play on the TV and I covered my eyes! The cat eyes at the very end still freak me out!)

I couldn't begin to guess how many songs that I know the lyrics to, I hear a song and three times through it, I know the lyrics. There's the rare few that take a few more turns for me to memorize, but most of them I have down rather quickly. Even songs I don't like, I know. Go figure, huh?

Anywho. You get the point.

Music is as ESSENTIAL to me as the air I breathe. It bums me out that as much as I love singing, I am no good at it. I can make the dogs howl, I am sure. That is why I don't sing around ANYONE, unless it's so quietly you would think I am singing under my breath.

I have a hard time getting going in the morning, until I finally figured out the trick. I have a few select songs that I play almost every morning to get myself going. Call it my top five if you will.. and they are in this order for no other reason but because that is the order they are on in my media player.

So, here we go:

1. 'If You Want It To Be Good Girl, (Get Yourself A Bad Boy)
by... bet this will surprise you just a tad.. the Backstreet Boys. It's off of their debut album. (Remember WAY back when, you know back in 1997?) On some verisons of the album, it is the bonus track. On other albums, it doesn't appear at all. And it's clearly spelled out in the song EXACTLY what it is about. I'll try to remember later to link the titles with their lyrics so that you can read them, my lovely and dear readers.

2. 'Gimme More'
by Brittney Spears. Her album 'Blackout' has the majority of the songs in my morning routine. Even though this album was made and released during her breakdown year, it's still a wonderful album, with great beats and good lyrics. I bought it as soon as it came out, and was very pleasantly surprised.

3. Piece Of Me
, again by Miss Spears. Great song, again with a great beat (as all of the songs on this particular album). Written during the time of the year when all of the papparitzi were on her 24/7 TRYING to make her mess up more than she already was.

4. 'Radar'
. Yet another Spears track. The last one in my morning routine. Not one of my favorite tracks on the album, but still good.

Those four songs usually make it into my routine. If I have more time in the morning, I sometimes play some All 4 One..'She's Got Skillz' and 'The Bomb'

'Skillz' is definately clear about what it is about. It has a good beat, and surprisingly was played on the TV series, "Family Matters'. (Very surprising, to me anyway, considering that series was definately family oriented.

The Bomb has a great beat as well and fun to listen to.


So there you have it. A music post, (boring as it may be), finally from me. There will be more, never fear! If you can't tell, I like music that has a good beat, and catchy lyrics. Those two factors are major in deciding what I want to listen to in the morning when I am trying to get motivated to get ready for work.

What do you think of these songs (and lyrics?) I bet most of them can be found on either www.playlist.com
or youtube.com
(music videos or tribute videos.)

Enjoy Dear Reader!

Same old craziness...

Okay. So I will try this again. Maybe I should include some pictures as well.

For my benefit, not yours. That sounds a bit rude, doesn't it? Sorry, dear reader.. I am not very focused today. That's why I am contemplating pictures, to break up the monotony and help me plug along.

For those reading my full blog, notice anything new at the bottom of this page? That's right, I have a free copyright to my blog now. Thanks to Tia, author of one of my favorite blogs: Clever Girl Goes Blog


Sounds a bit premature, or stuck-up perhaps? Nah, I don't think so. See, I have a few blogs that I read on a constant basis, and quite a few of their authors have had their material stolen and claimed by someone else, whether the real author was well-read or just starting out.. so I thought I would get that in place BEFORE someone thought my stuff was worthy of taking...

Anyway.

Onward, to my past week. I am sure you're dying to hear any details that I have...

Okay. I bought Rob Zombie's Halloween this weekend.. I've seen it before, but it was only ten dollars on sale at Target and I've been wanting to add it to my collection. So I snagged it..

(....Wow, sorry about the run-on sentences and sentence fragments, dear reader. Told ya I wasn't with it tonight!....)

As I was saying, before I so rudely interrupted myself, I took it over to Jimmy's this weekend. We were going to watch it by ourselves, but his aunt had the night off. We tried convincing her that it was really gruesome and disturbing, hoping to get her out of there. She stayed for the whole thing, I was very impressed. The movie rocked, and now Jimmy has seen all three of Mr. Zombie's movies.

I can't wait to see what more movies he (Rob Zombie, not Jimmy,) may come out with. He is definitely my favorite director, and I haven't even listened to very much of his music. I believe I will look up some of his musical works sometime soon and buy, at least, a greatest hits album of his.

After the movie, she finally went to bed, and Jimmy made me some yummy bacon and eggs and we talked for quite awhile. He's a pretty good guy, and a good friend. (You hear that, people?? FRIEND!! Thank you very much. Now back to the topic at hand.)

So that was my Saturday.. work wasn't TOO bad this weekend. I avoided checking like the plague, instead busying myself with helping every customer I could possibly get in contact with on the floor, helping the fitting room with the phone and freight.

Boy, oh boy. That brings us to Monday, which was yesterday. Let's see..I worked 10-6:30, only took a half hour lunch so that I could get the heck out of dodge as soon as possible.

Came home and spoiled myself with a really long shower and thought I would wear my favorite outfit over to Jimmy's. In vain.

No matter what, I couldn't squeeze my ass into my favorite skirt!! I jumped up and down, tried shimmying into it, sucking in.. Nothing. It must have shrunk on the hanger. I bet that's what happened.

Good news though. My halter top still fits. That is if I suck in and don't breathe. But it zipped up all the way in the back, so it is still in use. So what if no oxygen entered my lungs all night? It was worth it, because I got to wear it!

We watched a bunch of TV last night, and he fixed up some of those rectangle crackers, sliced up some cheese and summer sausage. YUM..


Are you still awake, dear reader? Have I bored you to sleep yet? Wake up! It's time for you to leave comments and love for me! (*laughs*)

Have you ever experienced the shrinking clothes phenomenon? Who's your favorite director?

How's your daily grind treating you?

Spill it!! *INSERT evil laugh here*

I know, I know..

Been a few days since I've blogged.. quite a bit I can write about, don't worry!

I found a computer not being used here at campus, and I was going to catch my blog up a bit.. unfortunately it's waaaaayyy too noisy and I've a headache coming on. So, I think I might have to wait until tonight.

It's funny, I have more readers than I thought I did. I see the massive amount of views over there (in my stats counter,) but since there are not much in the way of comments, I didn't really realize I had constant readers that I knew.

Marsha told me this morning that she had been reading along and mentioned Jimmy.. I thought, 'Holy Crap! People actually are reading me!' I'm either at least a LITTLE interesting.. or they are looking for stuff to laugh at.. I'm hoping for the former, myself. (Hi Marsha!)

While I think about all the things I must catch up on in my blog, tell me... what's going on with you, dear reader? Anything of interest (or boring things,) happen since I last spoke with you?



(By the way, dear reader, I am still talking to Jeff on a daily basis.. just thought I would let you know I am still defying the results of my survey, because your comments on my previous posts on the subject are funny :P)

I'm no good at following directions, so sue me..

You know that survey that I took of my readers at the beginning of the week? The one where I asked if I should email my ex or let sleeping dogs lie?

OOOhhhh.. bad saying to use. My ex is not a dog, and he never lied.

Let me try that again, dear reader.

Remember that survey I took asking whether I should send him an email and say hi, or just forget it?

Well. I must admit that I didn't follow the majority of your suggestions. That is, I didn't follow the overwhelming consensus that I shouldn't email or contact him at all.

I did.

And guess what?

He emailed me back the next day.

With an email twice (ten times?) as long as what mine was.

That's not all. We've been talking on messenger all week. I know, I know.. But what's a poor girl to do when given the chance to speak to the man who did completely sweep her off her feet, even if it didn't work out in the end?

Just thought I would come clean. Let the lecturing begin.


But I have no remorse in contacting him again or talking to him every night. Just thought I would let you know that as well.

Not such a turn on..

oh yes, massive pain and facial swelling is SUCH a turn on, don't you think?

Well.. I don't. Not really. Not when there's no pleasure involved. Which there is NONE right now..(Pleasure, that is. There is plenty of pain.)

What the heck is she rambling about, you may be wondering...

I'll give the very quick story, dear reader, and then I am going to go hop in the shower.

I was putting the toilet paper under the bathroom sink earlier, because it bugs me when things are out of place. Supposedly a five second job, right?

Wrong.

I knelt down, stacked the packages in the cabinet all nice and neat, and on my way to stand back up, I promptly bashed my face into the ceramic front of the sink.

GOOD LORD, the pain was freakin' enormous.

And I cracked apart my left front tooth. AGAIN.

So, I just got back from the ER, and have a decent amount of facial swelling and headache now. I have to call the dentistry department first thing in the morning to get in there and get it fixed. Good thing is that since I did go to the ER, they pretty much have to see me and hopefully put a temporary cap on the tooth until I can get the permanent cap on. AGAIN. (knock on wood...)

By the way, that five minute job took two hours. Wow, not a good investment of time in making sure things are picked up..

Fairytales in the Midst of Reality

Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed about having the fairytale life. You definitely know what I am talking about.. the knight in shining armor comes in, sweeps me off my feet, and I live happily ever after.

Apparently, however, MY fairy god-mother thought she would grant me the wish of a fairytale... except she used one that I've never heard of.

Forget the sleeping beauty being awakened by the prince..

forget the poor maid sister being swept away in a pumpkin with a prince and beautiful glass slippers.

Forget letting my hair down and being rescued by the prince in the tower. OOOWWWWWW! Forget that one anyway, even as a little girl with hair past my waist, I thought that one would hurt terribly!

Nope. Instead I get the fairytale where my personal prince charming comes into my life for a bit, grabs my attention.. and then leaves. Unfortunately, 'leaves' isn't a concrete term here.. 'leaves' here means he is dangled by fate just out of the reach of my arms waiting for his warmth and my lips waiting for his kiss.

He's there. But he's not.

Does this make sense to you, dear reader?

I think that my personal fairy god-mother is having fun at my expense.. or else the little fairies and gnomes... I mean, can't you just picture those little darling females with beautiful, sparkly wings flying around giggling and messing with my love life?

Make as much sense as anything else. I came across a quote online a few weeks ago that sums it up for me. It went something to the effect of: "People see the hard to believe reality and say "Why?", I have interesting and unusual dreams and say "Why not?".


All I want to know is just how long that my Prince Charming will be dangled just out of my reach but not out of my yearning. A day? A year? A lifetime? A woman has rights to this sort of knowledge, I think.


Dear reader, what do you think? Might there be mythical creatures playing pranks with me and my love life? Or is fate just that cruel? OR is it something else altogether?

Did you have dreams of happily-ever-afters when you were little? Have you found your one and only? Did you get to keep them?

Questions, Questions.. I know... spill it ALL! I want it ALL! (I'm not greedy in the slightest, I swear!)

I'm in a weird mood, enjoy.. (or not, your call)...

I just got out of the shower, and I remembered something that I thought I would mention to you, my dear reader. I wanted to see if you remembered this as I did.

See, what I was thinking while I was in the shower was that it had been awhile.. I mean IT had been awhile. You know what I mean. I looked at my shampoo and conditioner bottles, (Garner Fructis) and was reminded of another popular brand.

Herbal Essences.

Which in turn reminded me of those commercials. You know, where the lady in shower gets a mind blowing orgasm (from the sounds of it) just by applying the shampoo and conditioner on her hair. Makes me want to run out and buy it, Ecstasy in a bottle. That's what they should call it.

Does anyone else remember these commercials?? What ever happened to them?? Did they deem that sales tactic as not family-friendly? Because, of course it wouldn't be. For one, if she gets all of the pleasure she needs from a bottle, why should she keep the guy?? And without a guy, no little rug rats.. you know how this goes. I think we can skip the birds and bee's chat, right?

Right???

I don't know.

For two.. probably not a good idea for a commercial that children will see..they are corrupt enough, sometimes.




So, do you remember this whole ad campaign? What did you think of it? Where, oh where, did it go?

It wouldn't get out of my head until I posted it!

Settlin'
Sugarland

Fifteen minutes left to throw me together
For mister right now, not mister forever
Don't know why I even try when I know how it ends
Looking like another "maybe we could be friends"
I've been leaving it up to fate
It's my life so it's mine to make

I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just enough ain't enough this time
I ain't settling for anything less than everything, yeah

With some good red wine and my brand new shoes
Gonna dance a blue streak around my living room
Take a chance on love and try how it feels
With my heart wide open now you know I will
Find what it means to be the girl
Who changed her mind and changed her world

I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just enough ain't enough this time
I ain't settling for anything less than everything

I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just enough ain't enough this time

I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
I ain't settling no, no, no, no, no, no

So raise the bar high

I must void my exciting news..

...I am afraid. It didn't work out, and the idea was shelved for now. So, I don't think I will even share what it could have been. I'll let my readers come up with kooky ideas of their own and put them in the comments :P

Care to sit and listen?

(or read, that is more the case...)

Okay, let me address some things that have been mentioned in my blog comments about my last relationship.. is that okay?

(Better be, because it's my blog and all..!)

SweetExtreme commented on my blog, 'Confusion Abounds' this: "My opinion and again it is only my opinion. You obviously still have feelings for him or you never would have sent him an e-mail saying, hi. Right? If he wasn't abusive, married, lied or cheated on you... then why not try and reconnect with him?"

My response, my lovely readers.. Yes. I do still have massive feelings for him. My breath caught when I saw his email in my in-box this morning (I didn't think he would write back.) I think my breath would be taken away and I would be swept away if I saw him in the flesh. No, he wasn't abusive in the slightest, not married. He didn't lie or cheat on me.

However, there were other issues. One was the whole thing that turned my world upside down about a year before he had to move back to his mother's. I won't divulge into any of that, because it's a private matter of his and I respect that. I didn't want to have the uncertainty of stability if we ever lived together due to some habits of his. As well as our differing wants and desires of life..He never wants to marry or have children. I want marriage, children and the white picket fence.

Also, there at the end it boiled down to the same scenerio that was posed on me by my ex-fiance'. That crazy s.o.b. wanted me to be a barefoot, pregnant preacher's wife for the rest of my childbearing years, and not have ANY say in how things would go.

THAT particular part of things wasn't the same that I went through with Jeff..but the part that he wanted me to move hundreds of miles away from my home state, to a place where I knew NO-ONE, and had to leave my family, friends and pets to live with their family... well, that was the same. Also, the fact that they wanted me to live with THEIR family, but flat out stated that they wouldn't live with MINE...hmm...

With Jeff, it wasn't the idea of those things with him that did it for me.. I admit that it was the de ja vu that I went through that same horrible thing with Jay. Bad taste in my mouth, and all.. If that hadn't had happened, who knows..

Another thing that was mentioned and I just want to clarify: he was wonderfully romantic, never laid a hand on me, and was loving and caring to me. He never cheated, and he took care of my every desire. He took my breath away with every kiss, from the very first one to the very last one..

That was when he was living here, though.

When he moved back home, it was like he turned into a totally different person and NOT a nice one.

Jeff is a wonderful man, but unfortunately it seems our paths did not cross at the right times, and I don't fulfill his desires and wants.

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So, that's some of the honesty that I promised you. There's more. I do hope that you stick around and see what else I have to offer you. Please do comment and leave your impressions here for me to see.......

I wanted to share...

..a part of one of my all time favorite movies with you. I am a HUGE Adam Sandler fan, and the Wedding Singer was one of the first movies of his that I watched. Every woman wants the romance, and this scene fill that requirement perfectly.


------------------------------------------------------------------------
So..spill it!

What's your favorite movies?

How much romance do you need in your life?

Do you think the first kiss sets the tone for the rest of the relationship you may have with the person? (First impressions and all that...)

A note to my readers..

I was thinking some things, spurred by that email that I received this morning and have a request of you.

If I am to give my all to you, my wonderful readers, I want to ask you to do the same. If you have something to say on any of my entries, please do so. There is an anonymous feature, if you feel you don't want to declare who you are.

I appreciate all feedback, and it will help me become a better writer, and most importantly a better person.

Thank you, and back to your regular program.

Apparently..

..has hit notes with more than one person. And they aren't the best notes in the world. I also found out this morning, through an email, that I have readers that I didn't even know I still had.

Like I told Josh last night when we were talking, "Well, good news is that I blog to get people thinking.. and if I impact one person that's a success, right?"

Unfortunately, I have been censoring some of my deeper thoughts and feelings, and so now many people are getting the wrong ideas. I think this may damage many possible friendships or relationships I have in the future. So, I must figure out how to NOT hit the delete key and how to blog EVERYTHING that I am thinking or feeling.. It's my blog, true, but it's not fair to you my dear readers. To be a (successful) writer, which I am finding out that I love being, I need to open myself up to you, and give you everything I have, instead of 90%.

That brings to mind a lyric from a song that I like: "It's better to be hated for who you are, than for loved for who you're not." (Sorry, I just woke up and cannot remember who sings this song..and Google is not being helpful this morning. I received an email from someone that I didn't expect to and that hit me like a punch. So I am blogging before I even have my glasses on.)

I'll be blogging more tonight, and I hope ALL of the readers that I have stick around and see what else I have to offer.

Survey says...

I shouldn't email him again.. okay, I can agree with that. I might need some sense knocked into my head now and again though..

So, things are going simultaneously smoothly and crazy-hectic at the same time.

My classes ROCK! Well, more importantly, I am ROCKIN' my classes! I've been getting A's on every accounting assignment, and even though my Psychology exam didn't exactly rock.. I did better than 17 of my classmates! I got a C, 17 of my classmates got D's and F's on our first exam. Can you say, 'Ouch'?

Okay, now for the crazy-hectic part..working at the Dungeon. It's even worse than usual. How is that possible, you ask? Simple. We have a store-wide inventory in FOUR days, and we are only 50% or so completed to being ready for it. That's horrible.

I mean, seriously. My co-workers are driving me crazy. There are (verbal) fights going on in the backroom (and sometimes on the floor). The backroom is filled with freight and arguing associates. That leaves the floor empty to customers not being helped. We are still WAAAAYYY short-staffed, so we have to go up front to cashier regularly as well.

Sounds like LOADS of fun, huh? Makes you want to come work for the dungeon, right?



So, dear reader, are you going to rush right out and fill out an app to work with me?

What do you think of Third Eye Blind? I love this song.. it reminds me of my thoughts much of the time...

Confusion Abounds..

Should I be shot?

I don't know. See, I don't know much about the whole 'dating' game. I'm single, and this is the first time I've been this way in over five years. I have so many new situations popping up...

I'm confused, with a capital C. and O...heck, with a capital C.O.N.F.U.S.E.D.. (How embarrassing if I would've misspelled that, huh?

I just KNOW that you are sitting there, shaking your head at me and thinking I've totally lost it. Don't click that X at the corner of my window please! At least not yet.. give me a chance to plead my case, once I figure out what my case is!

I just emailed my ex. Is that a bad thing? You know, the one that wanted the jewelry back? The one that I was just broken up with this summer? The one I haven't talked with since the argument about the aforementioned jewelry?

What? Should I not have done that?

Well, it's done. Is there a way to undo it? I did it on Yahoo mail.. if there's not, is there a way to see if he reads it?

*deep breath, thinking about butterflies and unicorns...*

Okay, so that's the first thing that I am not sure about. Don't get me wrong. I'm not thinking about reconciling a relationship with him, it was just a 'hi' and 'how are you?'. He is an amazing guy most of the time, but we want vastly different things out of life, love and the world.


The second thing is...ooohhh I love this song!! Reba is my FAVORITE female singer! ('Every Other Weekend')


Okay. I know. I'm sorry. I have the attention span of a fish.. or a uninterested cat.


Before I so rudely interrupted myself, I was saying that the second thing that is messing with me is the feelings that I have realized that I am developing for one of my friends. I didn't realize the extent of my feelings until last night, until I was surfing and thinking about my conversation with J-L. (totally unrelated, but that's how my mind works..).

Then it hit me, like a freight train going 100 miles an hour. I think-no, I know- that I have fallen for a particular friend. Unfortunately, I don't think he feels the same. And I value him too much as a friend to lose him due to my romantic heart and what I am feeling. I'd rather keep it bottled up for the rest of my life, than not to have his friendship for just as long.

No. I am NOT telling you who it is. I know some of you will bug me as soon as you read this, thinking you know who it is. All I will say is a majority of my readers do NOT know this person. Before you send me a message that you are writing at this moment, NOT TELLING you.

Okay, let's proceed..

I know there was something else.. unfortunately, my mind skitters a lot. It likes playing with my thoughts like someone would skip rocks across the pond until they disappear..

It had to do with Jimmy. He's been pretty preoccupied lately, I don't know what's going on. Although, he still schedules most of his breaks when mine are.

I know there was more.. but for some reason my mind is trying to fall asleep all of a sudden..and refusing to think. I'm actually putting MYSELF to sleep.. that's bad.

If you are still awake after reading all this gibberish, dear reader.. what do you think about any or all of this?


((And no.. I didn't figure out what my case is.. besides this long entry of almost-unrelated things being all confuzled together in my poor, tired brain..))

Hey..something for you to do for me!

1. Who are you?

2. Are we friends?

3. When and how did we meet?

4. How have I affected you?

5. What do you think of me?

6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?

7. How long do you think we will be friends?

8. Do you love me?

9. Do you have a crush on me?

10. Would you kiss me?

11. Would you hug me?

12. Physically, what stands out?

13. Emotionally, what stands out?

14. Do you wish I was cooler?

15. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.

16. Am I loveable?

17. How long have you known me?

18. Describe me in one word.

19. What was your first impression?

20. Do you still think that way about me now?

21. What do you think my weakness is?

22. Do you think I'll get married?

23. What makes me happy?

24. What makes me sad?

25. What reminds you of me?

26. If you could give me anything what would it be?

27. How well do you know me?

28. When's the last time you saw me?

29. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?

30. Do you think I could kill someone?

31. Do you miss me?

32. Do you think i miss you?

Exciting..

I had something good happen on Wednesday... but, unfortunately, I don't know if I have permission to share it (the event or the person's name that it includes)... so I can't share it here...

I've only told two people.. one was busy with her angels and has big news of her own, so it didn't register big on her importance scale I don't think.. but that's okay.

The second person I told, is also part of what I did tonight..so let me share.

About a month or two ago, J-L gave me his number to call him if I wanted to. I didn't, because of the whole shyness factor. But I did tonight.. I figured, why not? If he's a friend of Josh's, he's gotta be cool and decent. So I called him tonight, and I was right . So he was the second person I told, but he sounded absolutely exhausted, so I don't know how high it registered on his scale either. Also, he's a guy that I don't know all that well, so I can't tell him things that I could tell my female best friend if she wanted to hear them..also, guys have different scales of measurement than us ladies...

But anyway, if it happens or if I get the okay to share, I definately will share here!

Hope you are having a good night, my dear and wonderful readers.. Anything exciting happening with you?

Where Were You When The World Stopped Turning?

Teardrops on My Guitar-Taylor Swft Lyrics

Current mood: thoughtful


Teardrops On My Guitar lyrics

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I need everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without

Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it's just so funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

[Chorus:]

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause

[Repeat Chorus]

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see.

And here we are again..

...and so quickly! I was writing such a book, that I had to be considerate and break it up for you, dear reader. I would hate to put you to sleep before you reach the end and can comment!

To summarize the last entry: I spent last week getting ready for the garage sale, then I had the garage sale on Saturday. Then, Sunday night Jimmy and I hung out for awhile.


And here we are. I worked 9-6 today at the dungeon, boy oh boy. I spent the day trying to get things closer to being ready for inventory which is ONLY eight days away. Eight days away, and we are just now STARTING to get ready for it. Not happening. I am sure they don't realize this yet, but that's what happens when they procrastinate. Management at the dungeon is pure excellence at doing that skill. (or is it an un-skill? Hmmm...whatever it is, they are good at it!)

Fifteen minutes until I was supposed to get off work, I decided that I wanted to spoil myself at the in-store salon when I got off. So, I did. I want to post pictures, but I have to figure out a new way to send them to myself, so it won't be tonight..

And then I came home, did stuff, and ate. Then did more things, not necessarily in that order. :P How exciting, huh?

**oh dear lord, I've been siting here for FAR to long.. my leg is asleep clear up to my hip. I've those prickly sensations up and down from my toes to my waist..**

Not much to talk about for the rest of my evening, though. I did get to talk to Josh tonight, so that was very good! That made a great ending to my day. I cannot wait for him to come home!

And, now it's time for me to go crash into bed, if I can walk that far right now!!

I bid you a good night and sweet dreams, dear reader. Leave me any comments that you wish, and let me know you were here!!

Been awhile..

..hasn't it? Since we've joined here at this reading spot and shared, that is?

I didn't blog last week, because NOTHING interesting happened. If I would've blogged, it would have been seven entries such as the following:

"Got up out of my four poster wrought iron bed, on the right side. (ALWAYS do I sleep on the right, facing towards the center.) I got ready for work/class/errands, and did them. EXCITING, let me tell you what! I don't think I could take that much excitement without blowing a fuse or something (insert off-joke here). Came home. Took a shower, checked my email and ate. Not necessarily in that order, every time. Good lord, I'm not THAT predictable. Curled up in bed. Slept. Repeat.'

Oh boy. Wouldn't that have been exciting for you to read? I feel sorry for you to have to read that once, let alone making you read it SEVEN times.

Nothing exciting happened last week, because I was getting everything ready for the garage sale we had last weekend. Jimmy and I didn't hang out for a week.. sad, it was.

Thanks for asking!! It went wonderfully, made far more money than I thought I would! My trash was, amazingly, someone else's treasure. WOOHOO! Let them take my stuff and clutter their houses with it, instead of it cluttering mine!

Okay.. so that was Saturday. By the time that we cleaned up everything and I got things done around here, it was too late and I was too tired to go anywhere besides bed.

So..fast forward twentyfour hours.. I worked a shift at the dungeon, came home and changed. Then it was finally time to kick back and relax with Jimmy. He is an awesome friend, and it showed sooooooo many times last night.

Well..first he cooked some leftover meatloaf with fresh MUSHROOMS (yummmm!), and potatoes. Then, he dug out his 8 tracks..

**Don't laugh!**

**Seriously, I hear you snickering..**

**STOP!! We both like the old music formats, my absolute favorites are LP and his are 8 tracks...**

Anyway, before I was rudely interrupted, (by the peanut gallery over there!), he dug out a few of his 8 tracks and surprised me with an OLD Reba one!!! That so, totally, made my day! I can't begin to explain to you why, unless you are a fellow die-hard music lover like I am, it would sound stupid.

So. That was the first thing....wait. *counts again* That was the second thing.

The third thing blew my mind. He danced with me for a few minutes, slow.. It was sweet. (NOT A DATE! Totally just friends, don't get that wrong impression!) It blew my mind because I could NOT for the life of me get Jeff to EVER want to dance with me in the living room. And I was dating him! The only time he danced with me was at Kirk and Marsha's wedding. Jimmy and I are good friends and he's willing to dance with me.

THEN.. he indulged me and watched the movie Pretty Woman with me!! That was awesome. I've been wanting to watch that movie for awhile, but I also like sitting next to someone and cuddling a bit.

Before, during and after the movie we talked A LOT and stuff. (let me remind you again.. JUST FRIENDS!)

So, it was a great relaxing evening.. and then I had to work today. But, this is turning into an uber-long book, so I'll post today seperate.. :)

Tell me, dear readers...

Did you like reading my entry one time over the seven I could've posted it?

What's your favorite music format?

A movie that you love watching, what is it?

Do you have any awesome friends you want to brag about?

Another first for me..

((FIRST! Not Fist, for you crazy, one track minded readers I might have.. LMAO))
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay, I've been meaning to blog about it since Thursday night. Well, really Friday morning. At the age of 24, I've experienced a major first for me.

That was, I met up with Jimmy at the Nickolden on the Coralville Strip. It's a small bar, and cozy. I liked it. Don't laugh.

How did this happen, you may (or not) ask? I know, I know, I said I was never EVER going to go into one(a bar), but I've been trying to experience new things lately.

We made plans on Thursday night to meet up with each other and watch a few Adam Sandler movies, around nine thirty. Well, he invited me to come down to the Nick and meet his friends. I had an ABSOLUTE blast. I don't drink, but it was so fun to watch everyone else getting stupider in relation to the amount of alcohol that they drank. (That wasn't the only fun part though! LOL)

Jimmy played pool, and found out that one of the guys he meets down there often has the SAME EXACT name as he does, even down to the middle initial! How crazy is that?

We were down there for awhile, talking and they played a bunch of pool (in between their cigerrette breaks.) At around twelve thirty or so, we went over to one of their houses a few blocks away and sat around a fire-pit, talking and them drinking some more. They wanted me to go do a beer run for them, but that's something I refuse to do. That brought on the brilliant idea of one of THEM using MY car for a beer run. I had to laugh, I mean, think about it. I won't do a beer run, but they thought I would let a drunken person drive my car to do a beer run. UM NO. Dorks! Especially when the bar was only two blocks away.

But it's all good. They are pretty cool people, and they invited me down there again, but it won't be this week.

After a neighbor came out and asked us to be quiet, (they had started losing their volume control), Jimmy and I started to think about leaving and going back to North Liberty. We finalized that thought when their voices was back to the high volumes not even five minutes later. We didn't want a visit from a lovely officer in those gorgeous squad cars of those. (That's the nice way to put it...in case you are wondering.)

So, we left and went back to his aunt's house, and he made me breakfast tortillas. They were yummy.. and then we talked more. :) He's a pretty cool guy, and admirable with all the things that he've been through.

I ended up not getting home until around four, but that's okay. It was a really fun night, and I met some new cool people.

So, dear reader...Spill it!! LMAO

Honestly, did you misread the title like I predicted might have?

How old were you when you made YOUR first appearance in a bar?

Meet any cool or interesting people lately?

How boring are my blogs? I mean, really. They bore me sometimes!! LMAO

A New Chapter..

...has started in my life. I was thinking about it, just now. This summer has had a lot of endings, beginnings, and new experiences for me.

For you, dear reader, it means a few less blogs than before.. but it shall be more interesting (I hope!) than reading many entries saying that I had done the following that day:

*Worked
*Walked
*Surfed the Net
*Slept

Just to summarize my summer for you, so you don't have to scroll back many entries or be left in the dark, here were the big things:

I ended a long term relationship with Jeff (my boyfriend of almost three years), I'm single for the first time in almost five years and LOVING it!

I have started back at college again, and LOVING it!

I have started hanging out with a co-worker lately, (Jimmy from grocery ICS). This is the first time I have felt the urge to hang out with ANY co-workers I've had EVER. Well, except for Erin, my old best friend.

My cat Baby passed away in May, and my precious Midnight passed away in June. I am down to just my puppy.

Several new experiences have made an appearance in my life, but I will go into the biggest one of those in the next blog entry, hopefully after my shower tonight.

So, dear reader...tell me.

How are things with you? What big things are going on in your life?

Anything new happen to you lately?

I hope you feel special anyway..

For once, my myspace readers get first crack at reading a blog entry, because I can't sign into my regular blog/spicepad/or Fubar on Kirkwood's campus computers. (Spicepad and Fubar are considered 'adult' websites, and I can't for the life of me remember my blog address, let alone my name/password!!! Thank goodness for bookmarks!!

Now to think of something worth your while in reading...

I'm sitting (really standing, because they think making us stand at hallway terminals will push traffic along or something... uhuh, sure.. We are the technology generation, we'll get our fix one way or another, am I right??)...

Anyway, before I so rudely interrupted myself, I was saying that I am wasting some time between classes with no studies that have to be done for the next class. Thank Goodness again, because I don't have the attention span today for it. So I thought I would blog some mindless drivel for you to glance at, maybe read. Although, pointing at your screen and laughing would be understandable as well...

I do know that you, dear reader, are most likely on the edge of your seats, wondering how this friendship with Jimmy (James in previous entries), is turning out. Well, let me fill you in through last night okay?

Do you have your popcorn? Sitting comfortably in your seat, with a nice glass of whatever is your guilty pleasure? Okay. Here you go:

He called me on my way home from work last night, and we made plans to go for another walk around the pond, after I did a few things around the house, and changed out of my work clothes. He came by around nine, and after the puppy got HER fill of attention, we were off. (You know, she thinks that everyone who comes to the house, come to see her.. why else would they be there?)

We wandered down there, and ended up sitting around the pond and talking. Then we would wonder around the path, and sit down again, and talk some more. I think my favorite part of the walk was when we were sitting in the shelter right by the pond, talking. He, somehow, can get me to tell him stuff that I don't tell ANYONE else. It's a gift, I think. However, a gift that I will have to keep a watch on, you know?

We talked about bunches of different things, about his trip he's planning on going to Honduras in about six months, about previous girlfriends/boyfriends(me/him respectively lol!)..and so much more.

It was wonderful. The night was warm, the skies were kind of cloudy, the kind of cloudy that it reflects the streetlamp light back down, and the pond's fountains were relaxing in the splashing of the water. He is a great listener and talker, and he seems geniuinely interested in me... What a wonderful friend he is!

Don't shake your head and laugh at me!! NOT a date, NOT a potential boyfriend in the making.. FRIEND's! Neither one of us are at a place where we want to date, and we are perfectly content in being friends, and hanging out.

So, dear reader, there is your dose of moi for now.. What about you?

What's your favorite websites to roam?

Are you one of those technological geeks that will get your 'fix' one way or another?

What kind of popcorn do you like? What's YOUR guilty pleasure? (Drinks, not THAT! Geez.. get your mind out of the gutter already!!)

Go ahead, you know you want to... What's your opinion on this whole friendship thing? Do you think I am full of B.S.? (Because I'm not, I am being fully honest with you about this, my dear readers!)

Oh yeah, if you are one of my myspace readers.. DO YOU feel special because you get first crack at reading and commenting on this?

Wow...

Got together with Jimmy again last night.. and wow.. (BTW, you might shake your head at me, but this wasn't a date either!)

He came over and helped me do a few things for my mother that would've taken me a LONG time to do, and then we went for another walk around the pond... He already knows more things about me that I usually keep under wraps than what Jeff (or anyone else) got out of me....

We went over to Target for a few drinks, but I got a bag of Dark Milky Ways instead..... YUM.. We looked at a few movies, but neither one of us really like shopping anymore. The dungeon has cured us of that.

Then, we went back to his Aunt's house, and I showed him the fall of the Firefly family, and what become of them. (AKA Devil's Rejects, the sequel to House of a 1000 Corpses.

We talked a lot more, and then I came home, (around three this morning.. jeez.) I'm not used to be up past ten, it's taking a toll on me!!

Bummer, that I left my phone there though :( I had to borrow my brother's alarm clock so that I could get up in time for work this morning. You might be wondering what a phone and an alarm clock have to to do with each other? Even if you aren't, I'll tell you anyway!! :D

I HATE lots of clutter, so I combine things and prune down as much as possible.. So, I got rid of my alarm clock, and I use my phone for getting up in the morning. It has lots of alarm clocks I can set, and it is annoying enough to get up to..

I must be off now, dear reader, and take my shower. I've only fifty minutes to get to work...

Updated as promised...

I'm sure you all were on the edges of your seats, overflowing with anticipation on how last night went... so here it goes:

Keep in mind.. this wasn't a date!!! LOL

We both worked 10-7 yesterday, and decided to leave his bike there and take my car. (He doesn't drive.) He was a good sport and came home with me so that I could take the puppy out and make sure all was well.

Then we were off. We decided to walk on the bike path near the mall that goes around a pond. (The Coral-Ridge Mall is only a few blocks away from my house.)

We chatted the whole time that we were walking, and rested on a downed tree for a few minutes. We talked about so many things! It was nice to have someone talk with me and he seems really interested in what I want to say. He doesn't interrupt me or make some lame and stupid sentence back at me when he doesn't catch something I say.

We sat on the grass and just talked for at least an hour or two. He's been through so much, it's amazing that he's still standing and pushing ahead.

I was starting to get famished, so we decided to head to his Aunt's house, where he is staying until he can once more get his own place. (He didn't cause his uproot-ment from his previous apartment. I got the impression that he can't wait to have the money to once more be on his own.)

He fixed me a really good loose meat roast sandwich, and then we continued to get better acquainted. After awhile, I introduced him to the House of 1000 Corpses and the Firefly family that resided there. We talked some more after that, and didn't run out of anything to say! The only reason the night ended was because it was getting late, and I was falling asleep. I think it was a little near three this morning when I fell into bed this morning.

The last thing I was aware of was his text: "Good night dalaga." He knows Filipino, he studied abroad in high school I think it was. He's called me maganda dalaga before, which is 'pretty lady'. I think it's rather sexy, knowing another language.


But I digress. It wasn't a date, but it was a wonderful time, I got out of the house and rather enjoyed myself.

.......................
...it...I was... AUUUGHHH! I forgot just what the heck I was going to say next, but I do know that I have accounting homework due tomorrow, so I must go do that now.

Comments are always welcome, I'd love to hear what you have to say, as always!!

Peace.

It's decided...

You've all convinced me.. The consensus is that it's safe as long as I tell him that I am only interested in being 'just friends'.

I think it's more like a walk through the park, however. I am flat broke, so the cup of coffee/tea idea got nixed, and changed to a walk in the Coralville Park. Then, if we have time, I shall introduce him to the wonderful horrific-ness of Devil's Rejects.

Definitely shall prove interesting, one way or another.

Hmm... it's been awhile since I've done anything with friends.. and the first time I've actually ever done anything outside of work with a co-worker. I'm usually very very introverted and home-bound. A touch of OCD, and a dash of home-bodiness thrown in for a good measure.

Updates later for you, my dear and faithful reader. For now, I must go take a shower and try to get to work on time. Back to your regularly scheduled programming after this commercial!

What do you think?

As you know, dear reader, I'm single. After a relationship that was slowly dissolving over the last several months, it ended a few weeks ago.

There's this guy at work who I think has been interested in me for awhile.. but he knew I was in a relationship. Now, that relationship is over and he asked me if I wanted to get together outside of work for a cup of coffee(for me it would be tea...coffee is BLECH!!)

I'm not ready to date yet, and I've told him this. But that isn't really a date though, right? That's something friends do all the time..


Bear with me, my lovely reader, I'm new at this sort of thing!!! I haven't been single since I was 19 or so.. almost five years of the two relationships back to back.

What do you think about this??

Yeah!

I am a bonafide college chick now!


How rockin' is that???????

It's exciting, isn't it?? I had to fight A LOT of hurdles to be able to go back, and it took nine months after I decided to go back to be able to...



WOOHOO!!

Survey

Do you hate when people smoke around you?
Yes!! Partly because if I breathe in any smoke, an asthma attack starts.. and partly because it's just a nasty habit, and I think people should keep it to themselves, not forcing me to breathe it as well.

Who was the last girl you talked to?
My mom

Who was the last guy you talked to?
James

Do you have any plans for tomorrow?
My first day back at college... woohoo!!

Recently done anything you regret?
nope.

How do you handle/let go of stress?
listen to music, blog or sleep

Do you think best friends can be replaced?
not each particular one.. but sometimes you out-grow them or move apart and make new ones...

Is there anyone holding a grudge against you?
no idea. I'd hope not.

Who was the last person to call you?
James

Who will you be with Saturday night?
my puppy

How many speeding tickets have you gotten?
one HUGE one.

What's a fact about the last boy/girl who you called?
Ummm.. I don't remember who I called last... I don't usually call out, I get calls in!

When did you last cry?
a few weeks ago

Do you plan on moving this year?
nope. *knock on wood*

What does the last message in your inbox say?
It was from Katie.. but I believe that they are called 'private messages' for a reason :P

Who have you texted in the last 24 hours?
Kimmy, James, Josh, and Katie (all but James were actually messages and IM's.

Name something that made you smile today?
Getting off of work

Whats the closest thing to you thats liquid?
Tea

Last movie you saw in theaters, with who?
I gotta say 'Jumper' with Jeff

Where are you right now?
In front of my computer.. figured that would be self explanatory :P

Where is your best friend right now?
Josh is in Iraq... and Kimmy is in Washington.

Are you listening to music right now?
nope, for once...

In winter, would you rather wear jackets or hoodies?
Hoodies

Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?
No...

Where did you last sleep other than your house?
That would be Jeff's mom's house.. a long time ago. I prefer my bed, thank you very much lol

How did you and your number 3 become friends?
When I was searching for Josh, I messaged him because he was on Josh's top friends, because I wanted to clarify that it was the right Josh.. (which I already knew.. but it seemed far to good to be true that I had finally located him!!) I wanted to make sure I wasn't hallucinating!!

What is your opinion of the last person who commented you?
Commented me where? The last comment that is memorable right now was from James, and he called me maganda. (Which, after I googled it, found out it is Filipino for beautiful.) He's cool. I am not interested in dating right now, but he seems cool.

Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
Mine

Do you miss anyone?
Yes! Josh!


What's your hair look like today?
like it usually does...

What is the background on your phone?
a picture of Midnight Binx and Cloud on the main display and a picture of Baby on the front display

What's the last thing you had to drink?
Tea

What did you do today?
Worked...went browsing in a few stores..


Do you fall for people easily?
Yep.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
No clue.

Did the one person who hurt you the most recently apologize?
Nope. That was Jeff, and I don't ever expect him to decide to talk to me again, let alone apologize to me.

Do you care if people hate you for no reason?
It's their choice.. if it's for no reason, it's their stupidity to be that way.

Do you remember your dreams?
Often.. they usually are very kooky!!

ABC

♥A is for age:
24

♥B is for beverage of choice:
Sweet Ice Tea

♥C is for career right now:
Administrative Assistant in Training :P (start classes on Tuesday, YEAH!!)

♥D is for your dog's name:
Cloudy... unless she's being a really bad puppy.. then it's 'Princess Leona Cloud' at the top of my lungs lol

♥E is for essential item you use everyday:
umm...bath towels?

♥F is for favorite TV channel:
Nick At Nite

♥G is for favorite game to watch:
Football

♥H is for Hometown:
Iowa City, Iowa

♥ I is for instruments you play:
I used to play flute in elementary.. and Josh' dad tried teaching me how to play guitar a long time ago.. I wish I knew how to do that!

♥J is for favorite juice:
Pink lemonade

♥K is for whose butt you'd like to be kickin:
Hmm.. I don't know right off hand!

♥L is for last place you ate at:
Right here in front of my computer.. a few Wheat Thins and some Arizona Tea. Last regular food was in the break room at work.

♥M is for marriage:
Someday, definately!! (Well, I hope anyway!)

♥N is for your full name:
Seana Kay Pierce

♥O is for overnight hospital stay:
Umm....when i was born??? *knock on wood*

♥P is for people you were with today:
I believe this would be the ENTIRE city of Coralville and half of Iowa City lol; and then my mom after work.

♥Q is for a quote:
"Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands? And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry."--John Lennon... I used it in my blog tonight, and it's one of my favorite quotes for some reason! I think it's hilarious, but can't quite put my finger on why....

♥R is for Biggest Regret:
I can't change anything in the past, so why think about it?

♥S is for relationship status:
single

♥T is for time you woke up today:
um.... 8:30 or so?

♥U is for underwear you have on now:
lacey panties

♥V is for vegetable you love:
ooohhh broccoli (with cheese!)

♥W is for worst habits:
taking really long showers, and running late ALL the time!

♥X is for x-rays you've had:
dental..

♥Y is for something yummy you ate today:
ooohhh those Reeses' mousse bars or whatever they're called.. oh, and chocolate creme pie!

♥Z is for zodiac sign:
Leo

Three Things...

Okay, so I was reading the latest 'Redbook' magazine, and came across a article with journal writing suggestions that can make you feel better and happier.

Yeah, yeah... corny...I know that's what you are thinking!

ANYWAY, one of the suggestions was to write down three things that made you happy or smile within the course of the day.

Sooo.. without further ado....my three things for the day.

The first thing that I immediately thought of.. even though it doesn't sound very nice of me...was the fact that I got to be blunt with lots of customers today, and didn't have to worry about pissing them off. WOOHOO..

This is because we've been so understaffed and overworked that we have all about reached our capacity for dealing with floods of customers with smiles on our faces while they complain about the lines and about the lack of service in the store. Today, we all just took an attitude that we are doing the best we can with the resources we have. If people can't see that, or have problems with us... well, we can't do anything more than what we are doing.

Seriously.

Today the store looked like that picture floating around the internet of the Wal-Mart in New Orleans that got ransacked during the devastation of Hurricane Katrina. (Which I just spent twenty minutes trying to find again, and it eludes me. Any other day, I see it at least once!! Go figure!) The departments were ALL trashed, the service desk was overflowing with returns, there were at least a few empty shelves in every aisle.. It's going to take all week just to get it cleaned up and stocked once more, let alone the regular things we have to do every day!

...........enough of that.. my number one item that made me smile was that I didn't have to sugarcoat and kiss up to the customers today. Rock on.

Now, for the second thing..my back didn't hurt nearly as much as it had been during the course of last week. I think it's because of my new habit of sleeping on an ice-pack.. I checked all day yesterday, and all day today, and it only hurts a bit. *knock on wood*.

Now.. for a third thing... OOOOOOHHHH yeah... I know!! I managed to arrive at work two minutes early!

......I can just picture you, dear reader, sitting there dumbstruck as you read that last sentence. 'Two minutes early?', you think to yourself, 'That's what she's so freakin' excited about?!?'.

But you don't understand! I usually am closer to 20 minutes LATE.. I don't have a good concept of actual time. Yes, I know how to read a clock.. but to me.. five minutes may seem a lot longer or shorter than to the average person. Time is a funny thing, you know...

So, there you have it dear readers. My three things for the day.
1.) Not having to sugarcoat and be forcefully polite to screaming, irate people that seem to think they can be rude as all get out to us and get away with it.

2.) My back doesn't hurt as badly as it has been, (again, knock on wood).

3.) I was on time for work, FOR ONCE! Yeah, me!

In the words of my all-time favorite activist and musician..."Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands? And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry."

Oh yeah, leave some comments and love as well :P

I guess it says it all..

It's been a week since he got pissed off at me because I told him that after further consideration I was NOT returning the jewelry.

I guess it says it all. Material goods are far more important to him then to keep our friendship. And here he had been saying that I was his best friend, when we were dating (besides Kirk).

Interesting, huh?

Ah well, I wish him all the best in love and life. I'll always have a part of him in my heart, and will think of him. I can't say the same for how he feels though.

Hmmm...

I know what I want, and what I desire in the deepest reaches of my heart. However, at the present time, I have no clue if it is at all attainable.

I know, if I had an eight ball and shook it.. it would say 'Ask again later'.

It's very frustrating how timing in my life is working right now.... but I guess if it is meant to be, it will work itself out, right?

*gets down on one knee*


Oooooooohhh Kimmy... What do you say? Shall we run away together and be done with the male species for awhile?



(Well, I don't swing that way... but if I did.. you'd be my first pick!!! LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Yes..

You read that last entry right. I am now single. This is the first time in the last four years or so that I've been single.

But that's all fine by me for now. I need a break from being tied to any one person. I need time and space to myself, to better myself and get myself set in life.

Don't get me wrong. A part of me still loves Jeff, and will for a long time-However, he's changed. And, no doubt, I have as well. I can't tolerate things that I used to, or pretend that certain things weren't going on or in existence. I hope he finds what he is looking for in a partner, and that he gets all that he wants out of life and love.

This breakup has really in progress the last couple of months, and the split has been occurring, really, since he made the decision to move back to his mother's house. But, the reason for that decision was solely because of his own actions and decisions.

The last thing he's said to me is that he has concluded that I used him for the duration of our relationship, just to see what I could get without giving. This, because I wouldn't give back the diamond jewelry that he gave me our first Christmas together. "But it was a promissary gift, so you should give it back."

Bullshit.

It was a Christmas gift, our very first year together. It only turned into a 'promise ring set' the following year. (A FULL YEAR LATER, he took the necklace off and then got down and turned it into a declaration gift.)

I have no intentions of giving them to him, even with his attempt to guilt trip me, and the people that I have talked to about it agree with me that I am NOT obliged to do so. (This includes one of my ex-boyfriends, as well.)

I should've used this awhile ago...

Well, I should have taken a clue from this song's lyrics awhile back, instead of dragging out things in my doomed relationship with Jeff.

A Little Too Late
Toby Keith

(chorus)
It’s a little too late
I’m a little too gone,
A little too tired of this hangin’ on
So I’m letting go while I’m still strong enough to
It’s got a little too sad
I’m a little too blue
It’s a little too bad
You were too good to be true
I’m big time over you baby
It’s a little too late

No I don’t want to want to talk about what we can do about us anymore
Only time you and me wastin’ is the time it takes to walk right out that door
Yeah talk about water under the bridge,
You should know by now girl that’s all this is

(chorus)
It’s a little too late,
I’m a little too gone,
A little too tired of just hangin’ on
I’m letting go while I’m still strong enough to
It’s got a little too sad,
I’m a little too blue
It’s a little too bad
You were too good to be true
I’m big time over you baby
It’s a little too late

There was a time,
this heart of mine,
would take you back every time
don’t you know
It’s been two packs of cigarettes
a sleepless night
a nervous wreck, a day ago.
Now you ain’t got no business coming around
I’m closing up shop
Shuttin’ us down

(chorus)
It’s a little too late,
I’m a little too gone,
A little too tired of just hangin’ on
I’m letting go while I’m still strong enough to
It’s got a little too sad,
I’m a little too blue
It’s a little too bad
You were too good to be true
I’m big time over you baby
It’s a little too late
I’m big time over you baby,
It’s a little too late

Crystallized in the shower...

"Everyone who makes an appearance in our lives brings out a different aspect of who we are. I only hope that you realize, before it's too late, that I brought out the best in you... and vice versa."

--~~- *Me* -~~--

Deadbeat Fathers... Yes, Yes... it's a repost!

Yes, yes...*gasp* it is a repost entry.. but that's okay. I am talking to my best friend through messaging right now, and it came up. So I thought I would repost it, so he could read it without searching through the archives for it...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
First written:

Saturday, March 31, 2007

I just rewatched an episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Aire that hits very close to home. Before you groan about the show, which I love, this is a very serious episode that makes me actually start to cry, especially with the ending scene. Before going any further, here's the episode recap:

Originally aired: Monday May 9, 1994 on NBC

Will's natural father shows up out of the blue. While Will is thrilled Phillip and Viv are suspicious. Spending a few fun days with his father, Will can't see him for what he really is and begins to believe in him again. After having a few fun times with Will his father has to hit the road again and promises h e will be back for Will to go with him. When he leaves without Will, Will realizes that his uncle Phil is the real man in his life.



The script from the final scene that I found thankfully on Google that really makes it hit home because it is EXACTLY how I feel and describes my relationship with my own absent father, down the the number of years he was completely out of contact:

Will: Hey, you no what, you ain't got to do nothing, uncle Phil. You kow, ain't like I'm still five years old, you know? Ain't like I'm be sitting every night asking my mom "when's daddy coming home," you know? Who need's 'em? Hey, he wasn't there to teach me how to shoot my first basket, but I learned it, didn't I? And I got pretty damn g ood at it too, didn't I, uncle Phil?
Phil: Yeah, you did.
Will: Got to do my first date without 'em, right? I learned how to ride, I learned how to shave, I learned how to fight without 'em. I had fourteen great birthdays without him; he never even sent me a damn card. THE HELL WITH HIM!! (pause) I didn't need 'em then I won't need 'em now.
Phil: Will,...
Will: No, you know what, uncle Phil? I'm get through college without him, I'm get a great job without him, I'm marry me a beautiful honey and I'm having a whole bunch of kids. I'm be a better father than he ever was. And I sure as hell don't need him for that, 'cause it ain't a DAMN THING HE CAN EVER TEACH ME ABOUT HOW LOVE MY KIDS! (long pause) How come he don't want me, man?


My father was, and is, a complete loser for me. I managed to have him off and on the first few years of my life, when he dropped off the planet it seemed. Fourteen years later, and two or three secretly mailed letters from myself to him during middle school, I got a letter from him saying 'time flies huh ? I always MEANT TO call or write, but didn't have the chance.' Turns out that the same time I lost my father's attention and love, he remarried and two other little girls got the love from my father that was MINE. His wife (now ex) found my letters hidden in his drawer while doing some spur of the moment spring cleaning and told him he needed to contact me. That was six years ago, and our relationship has been sporadic at best. Last time I talked to him, I thought I would call him to tell him I was in a minor accident, and he didn't even ask if I was okay. All he said was 'well you learned a lesson didn't you'?

Yeah, I learned a lesson alright. I don't have my father's love, never have, and never will. My mom's ex fiancee was more of a father to me then my own ever was. My childhood best friend's, (Josh's) father was more of a father to me, and my neighbor's father was.


But why am I denied my own father's love???

The Occasional Survey....

How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?
The last person I kissed.. was way back in April(?). And I've done it countless times... Unfortunately that aspect is done with. :(

Are you easily scared by horror movies?
Yes!!! But I LOVE watching them anyways!

Do you still turn to your parents for advice or comfort?
Yes, my mom only. My dad and I aren't that close for that sort of thing.

Have you ever been in a difficult relationship?
Good Lord, YES!

Have you ever punched a tree?
No. But I have put holes in walls before... (don't ask)....and made an ex lose his hearing in one ear for three days..(Here's a tip guys. If you are arguing with your girlfriend, and you've really pissed her off, DON'T tell her to go ahead and slap you!!!! That's all I am saying on the subject!!! :P)

Anyone on your mind?
Yes. Always.

If someone gave you 100 dollars, would you spend or save it?
Save some, spend some.

How much older than you is the last person that kissed you?
um.. 4 years?

Do you find the opposite sex confusing?
Yes, quite often I do.

Is it hard for you to get over someone?
I have to go through that right now, and yes, it's very hard.

Have you had alcohol this week?
Nope.

When's the next time you'll see your best friend?
Well, Kimmy lives in Washington, Jeff lives in Nebraska.. and Josh is in Iraq right now. It'll probably be Josh that I see next, and he comes home in September(?).

What were you doing at 9 this morning?
working

Can you admit when you're wrong?
Yes, sometimes very hard though!

Something you do a lot?
Surf the net. And work!

Do you fall for people easily?
Definitely, if there is a connection, I'm falling. Thankfully, from that aspect, I don't connect on that sort of level with many people.

Everything happens for a reason?
Probably. Hard to remember this sometimes though.

What does your last text message read?
"Welcome Jacelyn Claire! 6 lbs 9 oz 6:42 am today!"

What are you listening to right now?
"Straight Tequila Night" by John Anderson

How has the week been?
good god.. loooooong

Is there something you wish you could tell someone but can't?
yes

Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Yes. What's with all these kissing questions??

What are you stressed out about?
Tons of things.

Who was your last call from?
Jeff

The last person you held hands with did it mean anything?
Yes.

Would it hurt seeing someone make out with the last person you kiss?
Yes. Hurts to even think about it. But it's inevitable.

Did you speak to your father today?
nope

Have you lost friends in the past years?
Yes.

Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life?
I don't know.

Did you have any unread text messages this morning when you woke up?
None at all. Lots of myspace emails from J-L and Josh though!! Woohoo!

What's your relationship with the person you last texted?
Kimmy? She's one of my closest friends.

Are you mean?
Not usually. I have to be provoked.

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
Yep.

Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
Mostly old.. if you count three years or longer old...

Are you happy with the way life is going?
I suppose. It's slowly getting better in some aspects, dredging along in others.