Retail therapy has lost all value. I used to shop when I was down, but today I couldn't even get myself to park at the mall. I used to drive around when I needed to think, but gas is as precious as gold now, and I can't afford either much anymore.
So now what? i feel like I am on my way to the bottom of the proverbial well once more, (see older posts), slipping down the old, slick, familiar walls. Sure, I find some handholds here and there, spots of happiness maybe even a day here and there when I forget whats going in on in my brain. I soon, however, lose my grasp and down I start to go again.
I am feeling mad and sad, many feelings and thoughts swirling around and around, faster and faster. So quickly they go, like a whirlpool in the darkness of the well. I can't place the reasons behind the feelings.
I just plunge ahead, day after day, because I can't yell 'Stop the world, I need a breather!'. Day after day, I just get deeper into the storm of my being, brief flickers of lightening showing me whats really going on, only the briefest seconds and then its gone. I don't have enough time to really see whats there.
But is it more of a blessing or a curse? I don't know, and I don't know if I really want to. Perhaps it is better not to know, but it may drive me crazy. Though Not knowing (what's the cause of these feelings and why I feel like I do) may do the same thing.
(written first, in the car, at 11:20 A.M. today)
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