Drinking Housemates....

I've been thinking for about the last week or so about a promise I made to myself on my sixteenth(?)birthday sitting in my father's basement on my first visit ever to go see him. He had invited me to his house via the letters that we were writing back and forth at the time for my birthday, so we could begin bonding as father and daughter. Instead, he sat upstairs drinking all day after promising me in the last letter he wrote prior to the visit and the phone call from the day before that he wouldn't drink that day just for me. I ended up staying in the basement from the point that the second bottle hit his lips on. As I was sitting there, watching TV by myself, with the occasional visit from my younger brother, I told myself that I was never going to live with someone who drank whether or not they were my significant other or just a house mate. It just doesn't appeal to me probably largely due to this experience. It, in fact, is so unappealing that I don't want to think about it. I know, it sounds horribly unforgiving and selfish, but I have my reasons. These reasons run very very deep.

Thank God Jeff stopped drinking. I love that man with all of my heart and soul. He seems much happier and acting progressively to ready a good future for us and himself. I wish I could say the same about myself. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and I have been feeling rather down much of the time lately.

"Laugh, even when the tears threaten"

Has been my status message message off and on for a few weeks now on messenger. Only one person has asked about it, which was Marsha. I distracted her off onto another topic easily enough. I dont want people asking about it..it's just a personal reminder. It's what I keep telling myself I need to do. The rare occasion that it doesn't work, only a few slip through before I dam it up again. I'm getting better at it again, like when I was in middle school and high school.

That's all. No one is going to read this. I am safe from questioning and wondering about my sanity.

Off I go to bed, to escape into sleep for awhile... i am feeling melancholy tonight.

I love Jeff, With all my heart, soul, body and mind. Forever and Ever.

Seana

Every time I hear this song I am reminded of Jeff, Kirk and Marsha...

Tracy Lawrence
Find Out Who Your Friends Are

Run your car off the side of the road
Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere
Or get yourself in a bind lose the shirt off your back
Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare

This is where the rubber meets the road
This is where the cream is gonna rise
This is what you really didn't know
This is where the truth don't lie

{Chorus}
You find out who your friends are
Somebody's gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas, get there fast
Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far'
They just show on up with their big old heart
You find out who your friends are

Everybody wants to slap your back
wants to shake your hand
when you're up on top of that mountain
But let one of those rocks give way then you slide back down look up
and see who's around then

This ain't where the road comes to an end
This ain't where the bandwagon stops
This is just one of those times when
A lot of folks jump off

{Chorus}

When the water's high
When the weather's not so fair
When the well runs dry
Who's gonna be there?

{Chorus}

You find out who your friends are
(yeah, yeah)
You find out who your friends are

Run your car off the side of the road
Get stuck in a ditch way out in the middle of nowhere
(Well man, I've been there)
Or get yourself in a bind lose the shirt off your back
Need a floor, need a couch, need a bus fare
(Man, I've been there)

Man, I've been there
Oooh yeah.

Assumptions...

Why is it everyone seems to want me to make big changes in my life to accommodate events and results, but they wouldn't dream of making the big changes themselves?

I didn't realize that life for me is always a one way street, me always going the extra distance. I wish that people for once would consider doing themselves what they want me to do.. and perhaps bending for me instead. Or at least allowing me to bring it up and have an open mind when I do so...is that so hard?